3rd Time's the Charm...

Hmmm...I just haven't been too inspired to write much since the latest complication.  I apologize.  I feel I need to update the blog now in case someone just starting this journey wants to know more.

December 19th was a very, very rough day - one I will never forget.  I went in at 6:30 a.m. for my 3rd surgery which was to include removing my old implants, injecting/adding Alloderm (cadaver skin cells to thicken the skin), and replacing the old implants with slightly bigger (50 cc's) ones to fill the extra space in my overstretched pockets.  I was nervous, as I said in October.

What I didn't know until later that afternoon is that my dear, dear grandfather, who had a huge part in raising me, died that morning, not long before my surgery.  No one wanted to tell me before I went into surgery, which I totally understand.  That was a good decision.  I still burst into tears every time I think about it, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yes, the doctor brought out his handy construction level again! :-)  He marked me all up, and they put me out fast.  When I came to, I was staring at my friend who has acted as my Designated Driver for all 3 surgeries.  I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there for almost every step.  By the time I woke up, he already knew about my grandfather. Looking back, I should have seen the signs.  I guess the anesthesia interfered with that.  He usually teases me much more, but this time, he was very nice and didn't talk much at all.  I did notice at one point and was afraid maybe there was a complication during the reconstruction he didn't want to mention.

Right away, I noticed the intense squeezing around my rib cage.  Maybe they just put the bandages on too tight.  I got in the door, and went straight to sleep in my recliner.  I slept, and I slept, and I slept.  Finally, I woke up enough to ask if he had contacted my mother to let her know I was fine.  I felt very worried about her, without knowing why, but I was very pushy about knowing for sure that she was doing okay!  That is when he finally told me about my grandfather.  Told is kind of the wrong expression.  I insisted on seeing the texts between my mother and him for assurance that my mother was completely informed, and that's when he sat me down and showed me the ONE - my mother's text about grandpa dying.  The anesthesia and my pure exhaustion worked in our favor this time.  I didn't really break down and cry.  I just called mom to see how she was doing.  Right away, she started getting very angry that he told me before she had a chance to tell me.  He never had any choice!  Like I said, I was harassing him about the texts to my mother.  I was grabbing his phone and trying to read them.  He told me as gently as possible.  I begged mom to understand and stop being angry, but I think she needed to be angry at someone or something no matter what!  Her father just died.

The pain associated with this operation seemed much worse.  I'm not sure if it was due to the Alloderm, disturbing already scarred tissue for a third time, or simply too tight bandaging,  but it was intense!  Of course, add to that the pain of losing my grandpa.  So, I did what I thought would be best - I kept taking my pain killers (Vicodin) and muscle relaxers, and SLEPT for days, and days!!!  I was practically in a coma for 3 to 4 days.  I've honestly never slept so much or so solidly in my adult life.

On December 23rd, I thought I was well enough to go to a very peaceful Christmas party some close friends were having.  I said, "if this party proves to be too much for me, I'm sure Tracee won't mind if I just go to another room and lie down."  That is true, but I had trouble admitting that I wasn't up for it.  So, I held out at this party and tried my best to socialize and sit and smile through the night.  The party was wonderful, but in hind sight, I was way to exhausted to really enjoy myself.  In addition, all the festivities really made me reminisce and realize this was the first Christmas without either of my grandparents.  They were the definition of Christmas to me.  They are who made this time of year special for all of us.  I really broke down when I got home - cried myself to sleep, woke up, and cried some more until I'd fall asleep again.  I guess the pain killers finally wore off.  This was when I finally let go and realized what it meant to lose my grandparents.  I should have let my friends enjoy the evening without watching me try to make it through, including my caretaker, Eddie.  He is the one who needed the night off, I'm sure.

Christmas Eve, I finally got the drains out - NO, NOT 1 OR 2 DAYS AFTER THE OPERATION, as I predicted.  But, I got them out in time for Christmas.  That was great.  With the bandages off and the drains out, I was a new woman!  Funny thing is, I STILL SLEPT, AND SLEPT, AND SLEPT!  Although I had already cut down the meds, I decided that maybe I needed to try to go off them completely, so that I could finally wake up and do something besides sit in the recliner.  I switched to only taking one pain killer and one muscle relaxer at bedtime - nothing during the day.  This went well, but I'm still tired.  I wind up taking long naps during the middle of the day.  This is not like me at all!!!

New Year's Eve, I finally got the bandages and stitches removed.  I think there is one stitch which they missed.  I saw it in the mirror this afternoon.  In all, I love these new breasts better than the last ones.  The bigger size is perfect for my shape (big hips and shoulders).  I finally feel balanced out!  The Alloderm seems to have made them feel more "womanly," because they seem more fatty and soft.  Before the Alloderm, they were very much like firm stress balls under thin vinyl.  I am already much more attached to these, as if they are really mine! I never felt like that with the expanders or first implants.  By the way, the first implants weren't even the same cc's as each other!  I have no idea why the doctor had put one 550 and one 600.  I don't think he really knew why either! LOL  Now, they are both 650 cc's.

I was concerned about having to throw out my brand new bras for larger ones, but the bras still fit!  They are just fuller.  I can still wear 34DD, but I'm sure I could also wear 34DDD.  Nonetheless, I am very happy that I can wear all the bras I currently own.

The other noticeable difference is that I have a lot more feeling in my skin this time!  I have no idea why, but I am not complaining.  My skin is actually sensitive again.  I am not saying it resembles nipple sensation, but at least I can tell when there is pressure on my chest!  Before, I would imagine actually accidentally slicing off an implant while cooking or something, and not even noticing until I could see the blood!  Then, I wondered if there would even be blood.  Oh, how the mind wanders!

Here's the very minor glitch...

The level failed!  My boobs are almost an inch off alignment   Surprisingly, I'm not that upset about it, and I could live with them this way and be happy.  Fortunately, I may not have to duo that.  The doctor said that in 3 months, he will do a minor "tuck" to my right breast, and they will be symmetrical.   Although I don't look forward to anymore procedures, I am happy this is easily fixable!

Okay, "Boring and Detailed" should have been the title for this blog, but I'm not very inspired at this point.  I will try to regain my inspiration and write something profound shortly!  Thank you for reading and caring about this whole process.  I am happy with the current results.  I will add photos soon on a separate page for those interested in the latest "developments."

Happy New Year!!!

Really, really???

Isn't that the expression used today, by teenagers when their friends say something unbelievable, or unexpected? Today, I went to hug my friend, who's been picking on me all day, goodnight/goodbye, and I'm guessing my elbow accidentally poked him in the ribs (still not sure). He actually says, "Man, that hurt! Felt like someone actually ripped my chest in half!"  Said with so much drama and "whoa is me."

REALLY?! REALLY???!!! Do you have any idea what you're talking about? Because I DO! Mine's been ripped in half twice so far, and in a few weeks we're doing it all over again...So, how did that feel??? Describe that to me, and I'll let you know if it really did feel "LIKE YOUR CHEST WAS RIPPED IN HALF!"  Frickin' baby!!!

Sorry, that's all i have to say about that! Sleep well, kids.

I'm stuck half way out of my cocoon!

Here I am, basically ready to go pick out my tattoo nipples, and WOOPS! Never mind!  Now, it looks like I may be able to get them on the 1 year anniversary of my double mastectomy - March 14th.  In a way that would be really awesome, so I'll hope for that!

The surgery to correct my "malfunctioning" breasts has been postponed to December 19th.  Hopefully, I will have my drains out before Christmas. I call this operation my RE-reconstruction!  Wow.  This is the kind of stuff no one talks about, at least no one I've met.  I do have a friend (Karen) who said it took her several operations before they were "satisfied" with the results.  But, she was trying to match her reconstructed breast to her remaining natural breast.  I assumed that was the reason for several surgeries.  I thought, I'm doing both, so it should be fairly easy to make them match up. 

The current frustration I'm feeling is being STUCK in limbo, without knowing what is at the other end of this journey.  I'm talking physically mostly, now.  I see clothes, bras, which I want to buy, that look great at the moment, then realize I may have to start fresh, when this is all over.  I have no idea what size and shape I will be after this next surgery!  That is so frustrating!  I am very scared of this new surgery, although the doctor and nurses have minimized the whole thing, even stating that the drains will only be in a day or two.  YEAH, I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE - FROM THEIR VERY MOUTHS!

Add to that the fear that these new scars will be hideous!  I was VERY happy with the way the scars healed the first time, but the latest surgery deepened the scar tissue, and the scars are thicker and redder.  Still, I thought, "they really aren't that bad."  But, how are they going to recover from being sliced open a THIRD time?  I thought of asking if they can make new incisions, maybe underneath the breast, and leave those alone.  But, then I will have 4 long scars instead of 2.  They are fusing that cadaver skin - Alloderm - into my breasts as well.  Part of me is happy about this because I think it will give my breasts a much softer, more natural slope, shape, and feel.  I am so thin, I really do need more fatty tissue around the implants.  They remind me of water balloons in a slingshot. LOL

I am so confused by this complication that I waiver each day, deciding to just stop trying to "fix" them, and then changing my mind back again.  I have no idea why I am so scared of this (final?) procedure, but I figure there are at least two ways to look at this...

Like my scars, will I toughen up and become stronger, virtually indestructible, from this whole experience,

or

will I become weak, worn thin, and emotionally scarred by this for the rest of my life?

I chose the former!  Fingers crossed...

It ain't over 'til...

When???  Not yet, IT'S TOO SOON!  Just when you and I thought this journey was coming to completion...


There's a new complication.  Maybe I should have suspected things couldn't go THIS smoothly?!  Wait, did it go smoothly?  I thought, for the most part, it really did.  As you know, if you've been reading these blogs, I keep saying to myself, "there are so many people in this world who have REAL problems.  I refuse to feel sorry for myself, or complain (at least in person)!" 


Tuesday, I was talking to a counselor I've been seeing for a few weeks, to help me get through this last year of intense life changes.  She's a very straight-forward, tough-love type of person, whom I respect a great deal.  This time, as I broke down in her office and apologized over and over, blurting out that I'm sure she sees so many people in much worse situations, with much more to deal with, she YELLED at me, put her hand up and told me to STOP! 


I thought, "Oh, you're so right.  How can I be so selfish as to break down like this with my tiny problems? I'm such a spoiled baby!"  But, she interrupted those very thoughts to tell me to stop acting like my problems, and my feelings about what I've been going through, weren't valid reasons to be upset or cry out loud.  She went on to tell me that I have a right to feel ANY way I feel about what is happening to ME.  That I should stop feeling as though I don't have a right to my feelings, or to be upset about what I've gone through this past year. 


As she went on, she explained that I should never COMPARE my situation with anyone else's.  This is my life, my body, my experience, and I need to own my feelings regarding it!  I need to allow myself to grieve, feel sad, be angry, happy, and feel whatever else these events have brought to the surface.  It's perfectly OKAY to admit to my children and anyone else in my life that I'm having a "sad day."  But, I digress...


COMPLICATIONS...
One hot night, exhausted and baking like a potato wrapped in foil on the bar-b, I fell asleep early and unexpectedly while watching TV.  I woke up around 11 p.m. only to notice my left breast felt "funny."  When I looked at it, I honestly panicked.  It looked like a half deflated basketball!  I've never noticed it EVER looking like this before.  As I tried to puff it up (LOL), it became REAL to me that there was a problem.  After about 30 minutes of messing with it, and trying to mentally grasp what was going on with my breast, I finally dragged myself into the E.R. to try to get some answers and reassurance. 


That was a waste of time!  The doctor actually sat there, never once examining the breast and said they do not have the personnel or equipment available to check into what could be wrong.  He sent me home without ever trying to assess the situation, with the recommendation that I call my surgeon in the morning.


I went in the next afternoon.  My surgeon was "busy," but the nurse looked at it, took pictures, and did her best to reassure me that what was happening was not life threatening, and not that unusual.  That's enough for me!  I am not making this a BIG deal, but I do want those of you going through this process to know all you can about what may happen just when you think you're in the clear, and able to move on with your life. 


This blog is long enough, so I will try to cut it short, and I will write in more detail soon.  The best way I can explain it is...


The pocket, formed partially by scar tissue, which holds the implant in place, has stretched, or formed too loosely.  There are no cut and dry answers here, but the skin is thin, I have NO fat in that area, and the left breast is where the muscle was cut too much and too deeply.  I call that butchered area "my problem area."  All of these pre-existing factors, combined with the implants dropping into place and settling, have created a large enough pocket for the implants to bunch up and "ripple."  


Although I was so concerned and shocked by the new look, it is not very noticeable unless you already know and I bend forward, letting my boob fall away from my body.  The weirdest part for me is the way it feels to the touch.  It really does feel like a deflated basketball.  It's a VERY STRANGE feeling!


The solution isn't great, nor is it fool-proof.  I have to have surgery again.  They will go in through the same incisions for a 3rd time! :-(  The scars which were healing so well, are really taking a beating. I will have to have this stuff from a cadaver injected around the implant, as insulation to "fatten up" the look of my breasts.  The kicker - they will probably be taking out these implants and putting in larger ones to "fill" the space, but then we risk stretching everything even further and winding up with the same problem all over again.  On top of that, if I go any bigger, I have to get custom bras online, instead of my favorite Victoria's Secret bras. :-(


My surgery is scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. 


(See what I mean - silly problems if you compare them to people with REAL problems!)  Thanks for reading my latest.  I know this was NOT very entertaining. 


Have a great week, all!!! :-)

Nipples??????????????

Finally!!!  The BIG decision is near...

Do I rebuild my nipples, get nipples tattooed on, or get alternate tattoos in place of nipples?  It's the final decision to be made, but probably the one decision that will effect my overall satisfaction with the look of my new breasts most of all. 

SIZE AND PLACEMENT

No matter which option I choose for nipple replacement, I need to figure out the precise placement and circumference of the new nipples!  I guess I could get some circle stickers of different sizes and try them out. LOL  It's really going to bother me (obsessive, remember!) if the permanent ones aren't quite even or if they look "cross eyed!"  I really would go CRAZY(er), if that were the final result.

REBUILDING NIPPLES

It has come to my attention that most people I talk to regarding this process do not have any idea what rebuilding nipples entails.  There are options involved even within this option.  The doctor can take skin from other areas of the body to use as nipples.  Some areas used include the inner thigh or part of the labia (yes, lips).  There is an advantage to using labia.  The skin is naturally darker, and perhaps even resembles a nipple in texture, more than regular skin.  Some doctors just use the skin already where the actual nipple would be. 

When the decision is made regarding where the skin is taken from, the doctor somehow folds up the piece of skin and sews it together in the shape of the nipple.  They can either only make the actual nipple, and have the areola tattooed on after the nipple heals, or graft an areola out of the labia skin at the same time as sewing on the nipple, for the added effect of a more natural texture and color.  If  they use lighter skin and tattoo the nipple and areola for a more natural pink look, the tattoos fade, and most women wind up with WHITE nipples, sometimes getting them re-tattooed every couple of years, or just sticking with the white grapes.  I call them grapes, because, in the beginning, they stick out and are huge! I've heard the doctor gives you a nipple guard to keep on them while they heal.  Keep in mind, no matter how real they look, they remain numb.  They are still and always will be "just for looks."

Although this looks a bit more natural, it is an additional surgery with many possible complications, including necrosis (the skin used could die and decay), either the entire nipple and areola, or just a portion.  Often times, they collapse and flatten out completely.  From research I've done, it's my opinion that these complications are fairly common.  I've read many blogs where the women have gone through 2, 3 or even more, nipple reconstructions before achieving a half decent nipple and areola.  This process sounds like a nightmare to me!  I am not looking forward to another surgery - plain and simple!

TATTOOS

This is the option I am leaning toward.  Still, there remain options - tattoos depicting 3D images of real nipples, or tattoos in the place of nipples which are more personal, meaningful, and much prettier!  I am leaning toward a sort of daisy, with a 3D nipple in the center of the flower.  See the pictures posted on my "Nipple" page above!  I am posting pictures of each option for comparison, and, no, none of them are my own boobs or nipples!  LOL

I am interested in ideas for tattoos.  If any of you see something, either funny or serious, please send it my way!  I need as much input as possible before the big day, when I finally commit to something permanent. 

Here are some funny ideas which have come up along the way:

• A shot glass and a lime
• Yin and Yang
• Peace signs
• 4 leaf clovers
• Stars
• Hearts
• Breast Cancer Ribbons
• Bass Clefs
• Lips/Kisses
• Flowers
• Sun/Moon
• Skulls

As I said, I am leaning toward the flowers, and if you look on my nipple photo page, you'll see what I think looks best out of all the options discussed.  If I do this, I need to find a fantastic tattoo artist who does a great job on making images appear 3D.  I am taking any and all suggestions for this, and I am willing to travel where ever I need to in order to get the best possible results. 

Prosthetics

There is also a not so permanent, but reasonable, option for those who don't want to commit.  You can get prosthetic nipples.  I found some great ones online that you can wear for up to 2 weeks, and you can go swimming, shower, etc. in them!  The cost is a bit much - $275 to $625 EACH. I think insurance has to authorize them, but I am sure there are limits on how many and how expensive, and whether or not you pay up front and get reimbursed.  I like that these come in different colors and sizes, not to mention the cheaper, very temporary, option comes in VARIETY PACKS!   This could be a good way to experiment with placement, color and size, before making any drastic decisions.

I cannot end this blog without mentioning my dear grandmother, who passed away this July 28th.  She was my comfort and inspiration throughout this journey, for many reasons, but mainly because she was the only member of my family other than me who has had a mastectomy (on only one breast, with no reconstruction).  Her bravery and LACK OF WHINING, through her cancer treatments (x2) and mastectomy, set the bar high for everyone who knew her.  A braver, kinder, wiser, more giving, more patient woman will never exist in our lifetime. This much I know!  Thank you, Grandma, for showing me real strength and giving me something to strive for, always.  Rest in peace. 

Okay, so I LIED!?!

No, this post is not all about nipples!  Let the nipple discussion anticipation mount...

My implant surgery was 17 days ago.  Wow, it seems like it was at least a month ago.  The healing this time seems to have accelerated triplefold!  My scars look as old as the previous scars, not brand new.  The "scaffolding" sutures used to form the crease underneath the breasts have loosened up and the look of the crease has softened to the point of almost looking natural.

Ah, "natural."  That is the theme of this blog!  Adjusting to carrying these new liquid stress balls around has been a true learning experience.  As you know from previous blogs, I was actually looking forward to having some larger, noticeable breasts.  I was well aware of the extra weight potentially causing problems such as back strain, poor posture, and so on.  I also knew that men in particular may view me differently - pun intended!

SO MUCH MORE is affected when going from small breasts to larger, obviously fake breasts!  Last night is one small example.

First of all, let me take you back to before I even left the house, yesterday.  As I got out of the shower, I began planning what to wear.  I had the additional challenge of knowing I could either wind up at a rugged racetrack, or a nice concert venue surrounded by upper class women in designer clothes.  Let's add the ADDITIONAL challenge of having most of the clothing I own packed for a trip to California which is now postponed!  I was scrambling for something that looked sexy, yet not like I was going clubbing (LOL).  After about an hour of trying on everything I hadn't packed, I wound up tearing through a packed suitcase, desperate for a specific shirt and shorts that I knew looked good with the NEW boobs. 

Sure enough! The races were canceled and I wound up in Reston with a bunch of rich folks, watching a fantastic free concert - C.J. Chenier and the Red Hot Louisiana Band - in my Billy Lane Choppers t-shirt and tight black denim shorts with cheap flip flops.  At times, I felt really out of place, but enjoyed the concert and the entire evening, nonetheless.

In retrospect, I realize now that my feeling out of place revolved around my breasts and the adjustments I am going through at this stage in the process.  So many things go on under the surface that people around me aren't aware of.  I even went to the bathroom every couple of hours just to stare in the mirror trying to figure out if I looked freakishly disproportionate, just slightly "blessed" with a figure, or totally "normal."  Then there are the thoughts that go through my OBSESSIVE head as I walk through the crowd:

• Did that guy stare at me because I have something on my face, or...
• Is my shirt too tight?
• Does everyone think I'm showing off my new implants? (Maybe I am, but I don't want them to know that, really.)
• Do I look like some "California Bimbo?" (Probably!)
• Maybe I should start HIDING my boobs more?!
• Why did I get these things???
• Did I massage them enough today?  I've been busy, and maybe I'm letting too much scar tissue form while I'm out and about!  I should just stay home for the next few months! :-/
• Did I pull too hard on that giant glass door?  The doctor said not to do that, and now my boob is sore from it!
• Was that a dirty look she just gave me?  Are women everywhere going to hate me even more now that I have boobs to go with my legs, hips and height?  Why can't they just be happy for me?

These are all terribly vein, selfish, immature thoughts, but I would be lying to you if I acted as though they never went through my head.  With that in mind, imagine how hard it is to smile at everyone and have normal conversations all night long.  It's downright draining!  In part, I feel like hanging a big sign around my neck saying, "Caution, crazy woman whose just been through a life altering, life SAVING, process. Please disregard 90% of what flows out of her mouth!" 

Because of the self-conscious, insecure aspect involved in this transformation, I usually wind up completely blurting out that I had a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction to people who barely know me, have just met me, or simply stood too close to me to ESCAPE the story. 

What I've noticed usually happens following my confession is that the innocent bystanders become very uncomfortable, and often seem to feel awkward, not knowing where to go with this new information.  This is often followed by me feeling guilty for putting them in this miserable position!  I usually respond by making some jokes about the new boobs, or SHOWING THEM PICTURES of the new scars!  In my mind, I know both reactions are not the wisest choices, but I'm still adjusting. 

Later in the night, I sat with some wonderful new friends, chatting away about the events of the evening and listening to random, light-hearted stories.  Suddenly, somehow, the conversation turned to breasts, again.  Did I do that?  I tend to, being it's all I think about these days (no, guys, not in THAT way!).  One of my new friends mentioned she recently had her breasts reduced.  She was a triple G prior to the reduction!  As she spoke of the back problems and other reasons she HATED having big breasts, I sat feeling a bit like the Yin and Yang symbols, facing each other - one reduced, and one enhanced.  Then she said something about how she would NEVER get implants - they look so fake!  Close to that confession, almost during it, I blurted out that I had just had my mastectomy and just received the final implants.  

She was mortified, embarrassed, and terribly sorry for saying what she had said, but I couldn't be further from mad or hurt by it.  What she didn't understand is that, to a point, I agree.  Thanks to another friend and his difficulty dealing with all this, I am very aware of how FAKE I am now that I have big fake boobs!  I have been very self-conscious, thinking EVERYONE I encounter just sees the "fake" me and assumes that this is my entire personality, not just my chest status.  Maybe it is?  If it is, it is only temporary, while I figure out how to accept the new me, and move forward with confidence. :-) 

So, as I somewhat anticipated from the beginning, my miraculous metamorphosis is also taking place below the surface and beyond the physical.  I am digging to the core of the REAL me - digging through the gummy bears and fake smiles, the boob jokes, and the "feel these" moments - to the heart and soul of who I REALLY am. 

Maybe it took me becoming FAKE...

to truly become REAL? 

The journey continues!

Stage 2 - So soon! At Last! Really?

Stage 2 - That's what they call the exchange surgery.  I only discovered this recently, and the first question on my mind was, "if there are common names for the stages of reconstruction, how many stages are there?"  My crazy mind started imagining Stage 7, 8, and eventually Stage 15!  I mean who calls them stages if there are only 2? 

Stage 2 is officially known as the operation to remove the tissue expanders and replace them with the "permanent" implants.  My mastectomy was on March 14th, so the original thought was that I would be ready for stage 2 in October/November.  As you know, I've had great success "expanding."  Therefore, in June, Dr. Andochick mentioned scheduling the second stage operation as soon as late August, early September.  I was very excited to hear that I may be "complete" before the new school year. 

On Monday, July 2nd, I went in for what I thought would be my final fill.  I was previously told that I would then have to wait about 4 months to do the exchange surgery.  Monday was full of surprises!  First, the doctor felt the skin and said it was getting thin, and we probably shouldn't do another fill.  I was okay with that, and half expected to be told that.  Then, I brought up that I am leaving for California on July 20th, so we would need to work out exactly when I would get the final implants.  I offered to fly back just for the operation if I wasn't ready to leave Cali. 

As soon as I said that, Dr. Andochick said, "Let's do the surgery before you leave then!"  I was shocked to hear that this was even a possibility.  Why do they make other women wait so long if it's actually possible to do this so soon?!  Nonetheless, he had a last minute opening in his surgical schedule for Thursday, July 5th!  I was so happy to know I would be able to do this before going home to California.  One less thing on my mind while out there enjoying the sunshine. 

So, here I sit in my recliner, once again, with 2 drains, and a very tight, temporarily deformed chest!  The operation went well, and the new softer mounds on my chest are actually even for the first time in my life.  He actually used a LEVEL (see photos) to mark the skin and get them even across my chest.  I thought he was joking when he pulled that out! Ha ha. 

THE DROP!
My new softer boobs are VERY high on my chest.  They are practically on my shoulders. I was told they will drop and look better, but I wasn't told how long that would take.  After doing hours of research, once again, on the web, I have concluded that it will be anywhere from 2 to 6 months before they drop to a "normal" looking position.  That has caused a very small moment of pouting.  I was just getting used to looking "stacked" with the expanders, and although they were uneven and hard as rocks, they looked pretty cool under my clothing. :-)  I can only wait and hope that these implants turn out as nice looking. 

While researching "the drop,"  I also discovered that scar tissue forming around the implants determines a lot!  There are websites which recommend massaging them twice a day to prevent excess scar tissue and keep them soft and "flowing."  These websites suggest starting the massage around one to two weeks after surgery. 

There are at least as many websites which recommend against massaging, because it may prevent them from settling where they are supposed to settle, causing all sorts of problems down the road. 

I've also read about complications with scar tissue interfering with the "drop."  All this information has honestly made me miss my expanders, and wish I could have just kept them, since they looked half decent, and my body accepted them so readily. 

For those of you about to go through all this, I only have 2 drains instead of the 4 I had during Stage 1.  I don't have a morphine pump for the pain, so I definitely feel the pain much more than last time.  Also, last time, I didn't take many muscle relaxers, because I didn't really see a reason for them, but this time, there is a big reason to take them!  I don't want to develop capsular contraction.  That is when the muscles squeeze or attempt to reject the implants.  From what I've seen on the web, this can be very painful and cause many complications, including follow-up operations and severely deformed boobs for life. 

Also, I don't feel quite as weak as I did after the first operation.  I still have trouble with opening bottles, closing car doors, etc., but overall, I can do more than I could after the last operation.  The doctor said not to push or pull anything, and not to lift anything heavier than a phone book.  Honestly, a phone book would hurt right now.  The sutures used to shape the boobs are what hurt when I move too quickly.  Sleeping in the recliner is difficult, so I switch back and forth between the recliner and the bed.  I'm not sleeping well at all yet, so that leaves me exhausted during the day.  I think that I will be sleeping better a lot sooner than the last time. 

Clothing is an issue AGAIN.  Now that my boobs are on my shoulders (okay, not quite), I have no idea what shirts I can where other than regular loose t-shirts.  I am praying they drop soon! 

At least I don't have to worry about pulling a Madonna or Janet Jackson!  There is a definite advantage to no longer having nipples. ;-)

With all that said, I am excited to be so far along in this process.  The next phase would be rebuilding nipples, but that is still debatable as far as I am concerned.  My next blog will be all about my nipple options. 

Monday, July 9th, I go in to have the drains removed, as long as I don't have too much fluid coming out.  My fingers are crossed! :-)

Overall, after the Stage 2 operation, I am feeling better than I did after Stage 1, and my outlook is much more positive, now that MY MIRACULOUS METAMORPHOSIS is almost complete! :-) 

Various TransFORMations Ahead

FORMS, SHAPES, & PLACEMENT While researching this entire process, I decided almost immediately to go with the "gummy bear" implants rather than the saline implants.  This is a very personal choice, due to the possible risks and complications involved.  Saline are clearly safer, but not by much, with the new "gummy bear" technology of the current silicone implants.  The silicone in the modern implants bonds with itself, so that, if I "SPRING A LEAK," the silicone has a very low chance of dispersing and causing health issues.  It's a really fascinating substance - MUCH like the stuff of which gummy bears are made - hence the common nickname.  The advantage of using the gummy bears is the look and feel. 

The saline implants feel, I imagine, much like my current expanders, harder than silicone.  Think about when you last filled a water balloon up to the point of almost bursting.  Have you ever been hit with one that didn't break?  Remember how hard it seemed when it hit and bounced off?  Also, the saline implants tend to "buckle."  Women sometimes can actually see a ridge or wrinkle under the skin where the implant has oddly bunched up.  This sounds like a nightmare to me.  How awkward and freakish that would look?  This whole process already has me feeling like I've been changed into another form of the bionic woman, with mechanical parts planted under my skin and muscle.

Although the silicone implants will clearly look and feel fake as well, I have read that they are at least MORE like the real things.  I don't mind the "perkiness" of the fake boobs.  In fact, it's going to be nice to have some perk in that area at my age and after three kids.  I'd like them to at least SMOOSH with me as I move, and feel more like breasts should - cushiony, comforting, and fun! ;-)

I have read about the implants coming in various SHAPES, SIZES, AND TEXTURES.  Round implants go under the muscle and move with a person more like real breasts.  Tear drop shaped implants can move and get out of place, so there is a texture to them to help them stay where they should be.  My plastic surgeon hasn't mentioned anything about the different shapes available.  I assume either he's waiting until time to do the exchange, or he prefers a certain shape, and that's all he uses.  Either way, this is an important part of the final transformation.


Last Wednesday's appointment has raised more concerns regarding placement of the implants.  For the last 12 weeks, both the doctor and the nurses have mentioned that the tissue expanders tend to sit WIDER on the chest wall.  The way I interpreted their comments along the way was that I shouldn't worry about the fact that my "boobs" are kind of UNDER my armpits, and I have a HUGE valley between the two mountains.  The nurses have assured me that the implants fit differently and will be more "centered," giving me more cleavage and less annoying interference when moving my arms.  You see, I continually rub the sides of the expanders with my upper arm.  Sometimes, the expanders feel as thought they are sitting completely under my armpits, rather than on the front of my chest.  This has contributed to the constant nagging pain and swelling on both sides of my ribcage.  Some days, my ribs feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and beat them - making my ribs so extremely tender, especially in contrast to the numbness of the skin.  


Last Wednesday, the nurse informed me that they may NOT be able to close the g  a  p between my breasts.  She also informed me that I probably cannot go any bigger, due to the skin being stretched as far as it should be at this point.  This appointment really took the wind out of my sails.  I must admit, I sat in my room and cried the rest of the night.  I don't even think I slept more than an hour. 

It wasn't that I needed to go bigger, or even have some amazing, out-of-this-world cleavage.  It was the complete lack of control I felt, once again, over my body and my physical fate.  Once again, the few things I thought I could control, the decisions regarding the cosmetic outcome of my transformation, weren't up to me.  All of my false confidence was torn down in the matter of a couple for sentences from the nurse, then out the door and "see you in two weeks!"  All of it said with that painted on smile, which I assume really is the best way to handle it from the nurse's point of view.  That night, every time I glanced down at my "valley,"  I saw a completely alien looking freak - as though I had some disfiguring birth defect - almost as freakish as the elephant man himself.  I wanted to break all the mirrors in the house, so I wouldn't have to look at that GIANT gap between my breasts.


Of course, my feelings on the matter aren't nearly as extreme today.  I needed to get a grip on reality and look at the bigger picture.  The big picture for me is:

• I am not battling cancer right now!  That battle is over for a while and maybe forever.  I have time to watch my children and grandchildren grow!
  
  
  
  
  Still to come...
  
  
  TO GRAFT OR NOT TO GRAFT  Nipples, Tattoos, or Globes???
• In clothes, at least, I look pretty good.  No one would guess a thing about what happened to me just 12 weeks ago. 
• Also, my boobs DO look pretty big, even on my 6 foot frame!  I think past this size, they might be too hard for anyone to get past, long enough to have a decent conversation and maybe look me in the eye. ;-)

Wax On...Wax Off

These last 2 weeks have been filled with brand new concerns, which I've previously put off.  I've enjoyed NOT worrying myself silly with all the decisions ahead that will affect my overall happiness and satisfaction with the "New Me."  Mind you, I am well aware that these concerns are VERY minor in comparison to the daily concerns of most other people.  I am in no way feeling sorry for myself at this point.  I feel very blessed and lucky.  LIFE IS GOOD!

SIZE  What size do I REALLY want to be?  I've always said, "bigger!" BUT, just HOW BIG is right for me, considering I will be carrying these babies around for at least the next 10 years?  Until now, I have been able to look down and say to myself, "definitely bigger!"  Now, I have reached a size where I look in the mirror, and say, "if this is where we stop, I could be very happy with this size, at least for now."  That's where I start questioning myself.  Yes, this is a nice size, nothing to sneeze at, and if God had given me these to begin with, I doubt I would have been disappointed at all.  BUT, I have gone so long with small breasts, that the "disappointed teenager" in me is curious to try life with breasts on the LARGER side of average.  I know it's silly, and vein, etc., but why not indulge a little in my own childish fantasy of being voluptuous?  Insurance is paying for it, and, after all that's happened to me physically, aren't I entitled to go a little overboard? 

Things I've got to consider related to size:

• Back problems?  Women have been warning me over and over about the back problems related to the weight of these new toys.  I already slouch quite a bit (which I need to stop doing!)  and with the new weight up front, will I slouch even worse?  I tend to think it will help me not slouch, because I am already more conscious of my back with the current size.  I am correcting my posture more often to counter balance the new water balloons.  I think it might be a not so subtle reminder to stand up straight! :-)  Also, it may make my back stronger, just holding these babies up!
• Clothing issues!  I've had to get rid of at least half my beautiful tops because they are already way to small in the boobs to wear.  They look just plain silly.  Even my lingerie has to be given to Good Will, as do my bathing suits!  It's going to be a long, expensive process replenishing my wardrobe to accommodate the new chest size.  Shopping now is so foreign.  I am so used to looking for a certain style that accentuated my small breasts.  The style I always wore looks ridiculous on these boobs.  I need to re-learn what styles compliment my new figure.  It's made me very empathetic to the larger breasted women I've always envied. 
• To bra or not to bra?  Women who have had this done tell me to not even bother buying any more bras.  This is hard for me, because I love to wear fancy matching bras and panties.  It makes me feel feminine and sexy.  How can I NOT wear sexy, lacy, girly bras?!? 
• Bibs? ;-)  (Think about it!)

Judging a book by it's cover!

I am now 7 weeks  post-op.  In this SHORT, yes I said SHORT, amount of time, it has dawned on me that no matter what my physical ordeal/condition, if I choose to look my best and put on a smile, people will assume that having a double mastectomy was NOTHING, yes, "no big deal."  Right???

WRONG! Yes, i have chosen to "look on the bright side," "stiff upper lip," etc. BUT, let me clearly state that it was not "nothing" or "no big deal" and I am not exactly "fine."  I choose to portray that, because, really, what's the alternative?! Wallow in self-pity? That isn't very productive. That is not the way I want to spend the rest off my precious days - which hopefully I've prolonged!

I guess what I'm saying is, "I(we who've been through this) don't exactly want your pitty, but please remember that I've been through a VERY BIG, life-altering event, which warrants a little understanding and kindness from those who care about me...EVEN IF I APPEAR FINE!
Please think about that while you are helping me work through this, and, yes, it is FINE to
LAUGH ABOUT IT, along the way.  Humor heals. :-)

The little things...

As I move through this transformation, I realize that I should probably give you all some idea of the little things one can and CAN'T do in the weeks following surgery. 

After 6 weeks, it's come to my attention just how far I've come in regard to things I CAN and can't do. :-) 


I was never really "enlightened" ahead of time as to the simplest things I couldn't do after the surgery.  Everyone is different, so this is simply MY list of things I couldn't do without help.

• Open doors - almost any doors! - the car door, store doors, baby gates, my own back door - any door that takes ANY amount of pressure to open or shut becomes an OBSTACLE. 
• Work seat belts!  I had to ask for help getting my seat belt OFF!  I could clip it on, but the pressure used to push that orange button to release the belt was impossible!  Usually, I could ask whomever was driving me around to do it, but

When the driver would get out too quickly and start walking away from the car, it became pretty embarrassing and downright funny!  I would sit there, trapped, staring at the person as they walked away, hoping they would look back and realize that I wasn't following along!  You can't even really wave without hurting yourself.  This happened quite a few times.  You feel like a toddler in a car seat, waiting for mommy to get you out!

• Get things off shelves, any shelves above your chest height!  You may not realize how many things you keep up higher than your chest, but you WILL SOON!  This is something to think about before you go in the hospital.  I often didn't have anyone to help, and in haste would strain my pectoral muscles to the point of them swelling the size of eggs.  The swelling is very painful and takes days, even weeks to subside, so if you can avoid this, DO!  My friend kept a step stool in the kitchen so that she could reach things easily. 
• Carry a purse!  If you are someone who carries a big purse full of everything but the kitchen sink, STOP!  Lighten the load as much as possible, or break it down into two bags, like a make-up bag, and a wallet with just the necessities (money and ID).  I tried all sorts of different methods, draping it across, backpack style, switching shoulders often, none of which worked. 

One woman I know used a fanny pack until she was completely healed.  I just couldn't rock the fanny pack! LOL  But, it definitely solves this issue.

• GET UP AND DOWN FROM A SITTING POSITION!!!  This by far was the most annoying and painful difficulty without using my arms to push, pull, lean on, etc.  It reminded me a lot of pregnancy.  Remember how it was trying to get up from the couch or bed with an 8 or 9 month belly?  Although the dynamics are slightly different, many of the situations mimic the pregnancy way of moving from place to place - that is, a lot of rolling and leaning in odd ways to move your own weight around until the balance allows you to stand upright.  I'm also one who uses my arms as I sit down.  I never realized this until my operation.  I used to grab the chair with my arms and lower my body into it slowly and gently.  Well, no longer do I sit gracefully! 

I began just FALLING into whatever position I wanted to be in.  It's funniest when I get into the recliner I sleep in.  The recliner is broken and won't go down.  In order to get into it without using my arms at all, I have to walk around to the arm of the recliner and throw myself over it, BUTT FIRST, hoping my butt lands in the center, far enough toward the back of the chair!  I am now an expert at the chair jump (similar to the high jump in track!). 

• Washing my hair!  I thought, "No big deal, I can just lean my head down and kind of rub my hair from my shoulder height, without straining my arms."  That does not work!!!  And, believe me, it makes no difference if you have a hand held shower massage.  You still have to aim the water at your hair.  My friend had a neighbor wash her hair.  If you have money, you can just get it done at the salon every couple of days.  Again, I just strained myself to the point of swelling and soreness every time I washed my hair.  I don't suggest doing this.
• Getting dressed!  They tell you to wear button down shirts.  I opted for zip up hoodies, but zipping tough zippers is very difficult.  Make sure your buttons and zippers are easy to use.  What they forgot to mention was how hard pulling up pants could be.  I ended up wearing sweats and dresses the first 3 to 4 weeks.  I can't tell you how excited I was when I could finally put on a pair of pants or jeans that actually fit nicely, again. 
• OPENING bottled water, or bottled anything for that matter!  I couldn't open any kind of jar or bottle that was "factory sealed" for at least 4 weeks. 

This is really frustrating when it's a bottle of pain meds!!!  You know - the push down while turning kind of caps?!  No way, can you do that in the beginning!

• Then there are the more obvious things you may have already realized - making the bed (IMPOSSIBLE), carrying your laundry to and from the machine, folding your laundry (too much arm movement), pouring a bowl of cereal (even if the milk is low or the container is small, the weight shifting while tipping it to pour can hurt enough to make you drop it!), PEELING A BANANA can even be too difficult. 

This is just a small list of the little things they don't talk about before you go for your mastectomy.  Yes, everyone is different, and not everyone will experience all these little inconveniences.  And, you will survive, even if you don't have much help. 

Each day, I am like a toddler, discovering things I can finally do, again, after days, weeks, months of not being able to do them.  I was so excited the day I was able to get out of the car without any help with my seat belt or the door that I was clapping and jumping up and down - NO ONE in the Target parking lot would join in my excitement?!?!  ;-)  I'm sure I looked absolutely certifiable!

Good luck. 

One more thing - If you are one of us - about to go through all of this - get yourself some pink, breast cancer awerness, survivor stuff, ahead of time.  It's all over the web.  Cafe Press has some nice stuff for very little money.  Once you go through all this, you may start feeling like part of a club, one that goes unnoticed by those who have never a been part of it.  You may start feeling proud and strong for having come through all you have, and want to show your pride in some way. (I haven't been able to do this because of my financial situation, but if you can before surgery, DO! :-) 

Up close and personal!

3 Weeks...

Yes, only 3 weeks ago, I was on an O.R. table,

• being sliced open,
• having parts removed,
• muscles ripped off my chest and rearranged,
• drain tubes sewn into each side,
• a morphine ball rigged up to deliver instant glee directly to my very soul, and
• these magical, odd, rigid, magnetic "water balloons" planted where my boobs used to be. 

 

All this, done in the same amount of time it takes most people to complete "just another day at work."

As you can see on the photo pages, I'm healing well! I'm absolutely in awe of what these last 3 weeks has brought me, both physically and spiritually.  I have learned through this experience that, whether by choice or chance, I am surrounded by people of great character, with an incredibly large amount of compassion, love and understanding.  And, my chest has healed to the point that I can almost recognize myself in the mirror, very different, yet similar in shape and size, once again. 

At this point, with a shirt on, you wouldn't even know I had a major operation and am going through the year-long reconstruction process.

So, in just 3 weeks I have gone from Frankenstein's monster to a new, happier, healthier woman, recognizing so many blessings in my already privileged life. :-)

My miraculous metamorphosis continues...

Holes...

So, today, I found a shirt that covers up all my NEW holes. What a crazy way to think of it?! It's the first time I consciously counted the holes left in me by this surgery - the physical, visible holes, anyway.
8 - eight new holes. The magic number. 2 small holes, 4 medium holes, and 2 VERY LARGE holes. That's a lot to cover up with one cute little summer top.
For those of you trying to get an idea of what you can expect after your surgery, let me elaborate. The 2 small holes are from the tubes the morphine traveled through to get directly to the source if the pain, one on each side under the armpit. The 4 medium holes are where the drains were, 2 on each side under the arm pits, and the 2 large holes - yes, they are the actual double mastectomy scars, where my nipples and areola used to be.
At this point, 3 weeks out, only the 2 small holes are close to being completely healed. It's surprising to me how sore and delicate the drain holes are. My doctor never addressed using much on them for healing or scar prevention. I felt they were slightly infected due to the redness and tenderness to the touch, so I have been applying Neosporin once a day to these holes.
The large scars across my chest are healing very nicely, but they form long "ridges" where the nipples should be. This leads to awkward moments while getting dressed each morning! Almost every shirt I own is either too tight, too light, or too see-through!  You may find that the best type of top is one that hangs loosely and gathers at the top or neck area. I will post a bunch of photos soon!
I hope you are all enjoying  your spring break! :-)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider???

Monday, I had my first follow-up appointment at my plastic surgeon's office.  I have yet to actually SEE my plastic surgeon in the last 2 or 3 months, but his nurses are great.  The nurse removed my "pain ball,"  which was very exciting, because the lines delivering the medication were sewn directly into my chest.  They were very long and cumbersome, often getting tangled with the drain tubes.  During this office visit, the nurse said we will probably be able to remove all 4 drains and give me my first "fill" on Thursday!  I practically danced out of the office singing at the prospect of this next milestone!

One thing I never read about during all my research was this strange feeling...like bugs crawling around...UNDER my skin.  Every now and then, I get a little, yet very distinct, sensation in my left pancake (breast?). 

Yes, for lack of a better term, I am calling the places where my breasts used to be, "pancakes."  The expanders (my kids call them water balloons) are large, flat, hard discs, placed just under the skin and muscle.  There isn't any saline (water) in them yet, so they are very, very odd looking.  You can clearly see the outline of the circle through my skin.  The feeling of BUGS crawling around in there is probably the fluid being suctioned into the drain tubes and out into the bottles hanging from my lanyard, hidden under my sweatshirt.  Another possibility is that this feeling is caused by severed nerves trying to reach out and reconnect to something, anything.  Either way, it's a bit alien and disturbing, randomly occurring when I'm having a conversation with someone, or eating lunch, or waiting in line at the corner store. 

Another FEELING occurring at this stage is the feeling that I have a VERY TIGHT BRA on right now!  It's all the suction going on inside from having 4 drains, 2 on each side, constantly drawing from the chest area.  That, along with the uncomfortable discs plastered tightly to my chest under my skin, makes me constantly reach back without thinking to adjust my bra straps!  Crazy, yes!  If I am not completely focused, which the vicodin and muscle relaxers consistently sabotage, I keep trying to readjust my bra.  It's the most annoying feeling, and that, mixed with the alien bugs under my skin, makes it even harder to focus on anyone or anything NORMAL. 

Luckily I don't know anyone NORMAL! ;-)

I've been venturing out of the house a bit the last 2 days, and another issue popping up (or should I say out?) is my belly!  I look perhaps a bit pregnant?  My drains are tucked under my sweatshirt around my waist area.  That combined with my FLAT chest, makes me look either pregnant or like a 50 year old man (*snicker*).  I'm fine with that, and honestly not that worried about what everyone else sees, UNTIL...

out from under my sweatshirt, a drain drops down, hanging in the breeze for all to witness - full of blood, yellow goo, and chunks of bloody tissue! YUK!!!

I feel for all those squeamish people (meaning men) who can't handle the sight of bloody tissue oozing from a woman.  I was waiting in line for ice cream, happy as could be, when, as I walked away, I realized one of my drains had been dangling down by my thigh for who knows how long!  Needless to say, I am much more conscious of these babies now - holding my belly like an expectant mother - making sure none of the drains go AWOL again! 

All this said, I am doing very well, THANKS to my very supportive group of friends, constantly reminding me that I AM FINE!  I really am better than fine.  I feel very blessed that this is all taking place.  This experience has opened my eyes even further to all my blessings and those who share them with me!  I am sure at times, especially in the past year, I sound as though I am complaining, and as though I feel like I have had bad luck, etc.  I want everyone to know, even while sounding like that, I have always appreciated the fantastic life I continue to live.  I am well aware of how spoiled my kids and I are.  I have seen what others around the world have had to deal with and how so many handle their hardships with grace and dignity. 

I try to ELABORATE on every detail in this blog, with the hope that another woman looking for answers, justification or simple validation, will find what she needs during her own personal journey. 

Take care, and I'll be back with an update after my next appointment on Thursday!  Wish me luck getting my drains out and my first fill!  Fingers are crossed! :-)

They have a hotel in a hospital?

I made it through the long surgery and recovery.

My private room in the hospital is so nice that Jake is convinced that this is a hotel suite!

Wasn't feeling much pain, but it's starting to hurt, now. The nurse said we are waiting for the pharmacist to bring the pain meds. I have some in my purse, but she said I can't use it.

Thanks, everyone, for all your love and support. :-)

Mourning parts...pun intended!

Today, I've been secretly in mourning all day.

I've made peace with the DM. In my heart, mind and soul, I fully believe that it's what needs to be done in order for me to live a longer, healthier life.

Nonetheless, part of me will be dead and gone, forever, in about 36 hours from now. The thing that makes this so emotional for me is what I've come to realize was so special about these "parts." In the past 48 hours, every time I'm alone, in the shower, getting dressed or undressed, etc., I glance down at the small breasts I've often been dissatisfied with, often "enhanced" with padded bras, and hidden from sight, almost in shame, while changing in front of others over the years, and all I see are the beautiful faces of my three angels nursing on them. I see their tiny brand new little fists resting on them as they fall asleep in complete satisfaction, their little chins quivering as they start nursing again.  I see their pure, almost transparent, skin, their soft, abundant, feathery eyelashes, as they begin to dream.

When I look at my breasts, I am transported to a time of complete, unconditional love, trust, and joy, in it's purest form - a time that, for me, will never exist again.  Sure, I'll still have the memories, but now I must part with the very part of me that gave my children so much during the first year of each of their lives, physically and emotionally. It's a bond like no other.

And, so, I mourn the passing of perhaps the greatest part of me, the part(s) that went so under-appreciated, ridiculed, shunned, and hidden, for so many years - the part of me that gave my children the best possible start in life, immunities, nourishment, security, and the ultimate happiness and satisfaction only a baby can know - the part of me that instantly took me back to the happiest moments of my life with only a simple glance down at ---

MY BREASTS
R.I.P. 1980-2012

The Countdown Begins...

Today, my good friend and neighbor, whom I've known for over 10 years, is having the same procedure I will be having done on March 14th - a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  To top that off, she has the same surgeons!  I wish her well, and thank her for being brave and going before me, so that I may have some idea of things to come!  Somehow, her strength going into this has helped me a great deal.  She has kept a very cheerful disposition throughout all the planning and preparation for this big day.  I feel like I have a sister in this process.  We will have each other to lean on and compare stories with.  This makes the events ahead much less lonely or isolating.  I can no longer say, "I'll be alone through all this!" or "No one close to me knows what I'm going through!"

I'm still dealing with the settlement for my auto accident.  This adds quite a bit of pressure during the final days before my surgery.  I'm trying to get "all my ducks in order" before I have to focus on recovering from this massive surgery.  There are several doctors to see about my leg, head, and spine injuries in order to come to a settlement with the other woman's insurance agency.  Yet, there's little or no time at all to do this prior to March 14th.  But, enough about all that.

I've been running in circles with the personnel department and my principal to agree to the amount of time off and what procedures need to be completed before I leave Tuesday!  There are mainly 3 people involved in these "negotiations" and none of them knows or agrees with what the other is telling me to do.  It's been a regular 3-ring circus, and frustrating as HELL!

What seems to have finally been decided just today is:

I am offered the "opportunity to take 4 weeks personal disability leave, without pay" - no more, no less - and extend my probationary period by 3 weeks into the next school year. 

At this point, I'll take it! 

As most people reading this know, I am in dire straights financially.  Taking a month off without pay is killing me and my boys!  I am forced to throw pride out the window (if I ever had any) and ask if anyone could help us out with a small donation.  The money would be strictly used for the boys for food, clothes, electricity, gas, etc.

If you can donate anything at all ($1, $5 - no donation is too small!), there is an easy way to do it.

Go to www.PayPal.com and click on "Send Money."  You don't even need a PayPal account to do this!  You simply type in my email address(tina.kantner@yahoo.com) or cell phone number (240-422-2888) as the recipient, follow the prompts, and the money is instantly deposited into my PayPal account.  I have a MasterCard linked to it, so I may then go straight to the grocery store or pay my electric bill online using it.

Whether or not you can donate anything monetarily, I thank you for caring enough to read about my boob adventure and wish me well.  Enjoy your weekend!  It's the last one my boobs will every have!  

When it rains...

Well, there isn't much news on the "boobie" side of things.  Yesterday, I went for my pre-op blood tests to see if my Protein C has risen to a more acceptable percentage.  This will determine whether or not I need to go on blood thinners to avoid having a stroke during or after surgery.  I don't think there's much possibility of it rising, because it has remained low for the two years we've known about the problem. 


They have the scientific facts, but all I know is, clotting too much has never been a problem for me.  It's not clotting, when I should, that has been the issue in the past.  For example, when they did my first core needle biopsy, it wouldn't stop bleeding, and I had 3 nurses on the table, pressing on my chest for over 20 minutes.  That doesn't sound like I have blood that clots too much, does it?  Therefore, I'm hoping I don't have to have the blood thinners, for fear I may bleed too much!  Just seems like common sense to me.


The title of this blog is "When it rains..." 


It poured the last two weeks!  First of all, my brakes and transmission on my van were both going out fast.  I felt brilliant for realizing that the school I work in has an auto mechanics class!  I asked the instructor if his class could replace my brakes, and got the parts from my father, who works for a wholesale brake supply company.  The class fixed my brakes on Friday!  I had 5 wonderful days of driving without that LOUD, GRINDING noise, causing everyone to stare at me and my van in disbelief!  It was pure heaven after having no brakes for way too long.  The parts were only $60.  Although I can't even afford that, it was a bargain for having brakes and feeling safe, again! 


Those 5 days were all I had in my glorious little van -


On the morning of the 6th day, It all came to an abrupt, horrifying end!  I was on my way to work - usually a very peaceful, smooth drive up a one lane "highway" from my town to the town I work in only 8 miles away.  As I drove up the road at about 50 miles per hour, I noticed a little red car, stopped at the stop sign waiting to cross the road I was on.  There are no stop signs on the road I take, as it's the main road between the only two towns in the area.  As I approached the intersection, the woman driving the little red car suddenly decided to gun it across my road only about 30 to 40 feet RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  The timing was perfect - IF SHE WAS SUICIDAL!  There was no time to brake, but I did yank the steering wheel as hard and fast as I could, to try and lesson the impact and avoid hitting her head-on.  After hitting her at 50 mph, I careened off her and hit the side of the embankment straight on, flipping my van and landing in a ditch, upside down with my tail end in the air, in more ways than one. 


Hanging there, upside down, in my seat belt, I realized the engine was STILL RUNNING, and I noticed a lot of fluid "raining" down the outside of my now shattered window.  My legs didn't seem to work, and there was an intense pain radiating through my left leg.  My mind raced to the other driver in her little car.  I thought her car had to be smashed to bits.  I could hear the other woman saying over and over, "Hello, are you okay?"  I looked out the passenger window, to see her legs.  She was just standing in the middle of the road, calling to me over and over, but never coming around to see how I am or help me.  At least she was okay.  By this time, I was already calling out for help, but she must not have heard me.  I found the ignition and turned off the engine, then went to work on getting out of there.  My seat belt wouldn't come undone.  I was finally able to use my arms, pushing against the roof of the van (remember I'm upside down) to hold my body up and loosen the seat belt enough to get it to release.  I fell to the roof, covered in glass, and inched my way out the broken window, on my bottom, using my arms to pull the weight of my body out onto the dirt.  My legs weren't working at all, and the pain in both knees was unbearable! 


By this time, several people had stopped to help.  Thank you, to whomever stopped!  I never did get their names.  Three men worked together to pick me up and take me across the road, for we were all afraid the van would blow up.  Everything from that moment until the ambulance ride happened very quickly.  Someone had said they called 911, a woman who seemed to be an off duty EMT, began examining me, another woman wrapped me in a blanket, someone had called the school to tell them I wouldn't be coming to work, and finally, a doctor on his way to work stopped at the scene and began checking me for broken bones, concussion, etc.  What I hadn't realized during all this is:

My son, Christian, was on the school bus only moments behind me!  I never saw them pass, but he said I was on the ground surrounded by people when they passed.  Having worked at my son's school for the last 3 years, every kid on that bus knew me well.  They all panicked, and as soon as they arrived at the middle school the entire school knew I had been in a bad accident.  My poor son must have been freaking out, but he never admitted that.  All he said later, when I asked him, was that his friend, Rachel, saw my face and told him that she thought I was okay!  He apparently decided to take her word for it, and remained calm. :-)

I am okay.  My left leg hurts pretty bad, but the doctor in the E.R. said I don't have any broken bones.  I have a brace for my leg, but today is the first day I have gone without it - so far!

That was just part of my week.  To top things off, my best friend and I got in a horrible fight, and may never be close again.  I think that hurts more than the accident ever could.

With all that "rain,"  I am still looking on the bright side, really.  I am SO lucky that I wasn't hurt worse in the accident.  I am SO lucky that there was no one else in the van with me, especially my kids.  I'm so glad that the other driver wasn't hurt, even though I want to slap her silly for doing what she did. ;-) I am pretty lucky that this means I will get some money to replace my vehicle, and I needed money badly for my time-off during my recovery from the mastectomy.  I will hope I don't need to use much, because I still need a vehicle, but knowing I have that as back-up helps ease my mind.  

I should have named this blog "I'm SO lucky!"