I'm stuck half way out of my cocoon!

Here I am, basically ready to go pick out my tattoo nipples, and WOOPS! Never mind!  Now, it looks like I may be able to get them on the 1 year anniversary of my double mastectomy - March 14th.  In a way that would be really awesome, so I'll hope for that!

The surgery to correct my "malfunctioning" breasts has been postponed to December 19th.  Hopefully, I will have my drains out before Christmas. I call this operation my RE-reconstruction!  Wow.  This is the kind of stuff no one talks about, at least no one I've met.  I do have a friend (Karen) who said it took her several operations before they were "satisfied" with the results.  But, she was trying to match her reconstructed breast to her remaining natural breast.  I assumed that was the reason for several surgeries.  I thought, I'm doing both, so it should be fairly easy to make them match up. 

The current frustration I'm feeling is being STUCK in limbo, without knowing what is at the other end of this journey.  I'm talking physically mostly, now.  I see clothes, bras, which I want to buy, that look great at the moment, then realize I may have to start fresh, when this is all over.  I have no idea what size and shape I will be after this next surgery!  That is so frustrating!  I am very scared of this new surgery, although the doctor and nurses have minimized the whole thing, even stating that the drains will only be in a day or two.  YEAH, I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE - FROM THEIR VERY MOUTHS!

Add to that the fear that these new scars will be hideous!  I was VERY happy with the way the scars healed the first time, but the latest surgery deepened the scar tissue, and the scars are thicker and redder.  Still, I thought, "they really aren't that bad."  But, how are they going to recover from being sliced open a THIRD time?  I thought of asking if they can make new incisions, maybe underneath the breast, and leave those alone.  But, then I will have 4 long scars instead of 2.  They are fusing that cadaver skin - Alloderm - into my breasts as well.  Part of me is happy about this because I think it will give my breasts a much softer, more natural slope, shape, and feel.  I am so thin, I really do need more fatty tissue around the implants.  They remind me of water balloons in a slingshot. LOL

I am so confused by this complication that I waiver each day, deciding to just stop trying to "fix" them, and then changing my mind back again.  I have no idea why I am so scared of this (final?) procedure, but I figure there are at least two ways to look at this...

Like my scars, will I toughen up and become stronger, virtually indestructible, from this whole experience,

or

will I become weak, worn thin, and emotionally scarred by this for the rest of my life?

I chose the former!  Fingers crossed...