Okay, so I LIED!?!

No, this post is not all about nipples!  Let the nipple discussion anticipation mount...

My implant surgery was 17 days ago.  Wow, it seems like it was at least a month ago.  The healing this time seems to have accelerated triplefold!  My scars look as old as the previous scars, not brand new.  The "scaffolding" sutures used to form the crease underneath the breasts have loosened up and the look of the crease has softened to the point of almost looking natural.

Ah, "natural."  That is the theme of this blog!  Adjusting to carrying these new liquid stress balls around has been a true learning experience.  As you know from previous blogs, I was actually looking forward to having some larger, noticeable breasts.  I was well aware of the extra weight potentially causing problems such as back strain, poor posture, and so on.  I also knew that men in particular may view me differently - pun intended!

SO MUCH MORE is affected when going from small breasts to larger, obviously fake breasts!  Last night is one small example.

First of all, let me take you back to before I even left the house, yesterday.  As I got out of the shower, I began planning what to wear.  I had the additional challenge of knowing I could either wind up at a rugged racetrack, or a nice concert venue surrounded by upper class women in designer clothes.  Let's add the ADDITIONAL challenge of having most of the clothing I own packed for a trip to California which is now postponed!  I was scrambling for something that looked sexy, yet not like I was going clubbing (LOL).  After about an hour of trying on everything I hadn't packed, I wound up tearing through a packed suitcase, desperate for a specific shirt and shorts that I knew looked good with the NEW boobs. 

Sure enough! The races were canceled and I wound up in Reston with a bunch of rich folks, watching a fantastic free concert - C.J. Chenier and the Red Hot Louisiana Band - in my Billy Lane Choppers t-shirt and tight black denim shorts with cheap flip flops.  At times, I felt really out of place, but enjoyed the concert and the entire evening, nonetheless.

In retrospect, I realize now that my feeling out of place revolved around my breasts and the adjustments I am going through at this stage in the process.  So many things go on under the surface that people around me aren't aware of.  I even went to the bathroom every couple of hours just to stare in the mirror trying to figure out if I looked freakishly disproportionate, just slightly "blessed" with a figure, or totally "normal."  Then there are the thoughts that go through my OBSESSIVE head as I walk through the crowd:

• Did that guy stare at me because I have something on my face, or...
• Is my shirt too tight?
• Does everyone think I'm showing off my new implants? (Maybe I am, but I don't want them to know that, really.)
• Do I look like some "California Bimbo?" (Probably!)
• Maybe I should start HIDING my boobs more?!
• Why did I get these things???
• Did I massage them enough today?  I've been busy, and maybe I'm letting too much scar tissue form while I'm out and about!  I should just stay home for the next few months! :-/
• Did I pull too hard on that giant glass door?  The doctor said not to do that, and now my boob is sore from it!
• Was that a dirty look she just gave me?  Are women everywhere going to hate me even more now that I have boobs to go with my legs, hips and height?  Why can't they just be happy for me?

These are all terribly vein, selfish, immature thoughts, but I would be lying to you if I acted as though they never went through my head.  With that in mind, imagine how hard it is to smile at everyone and have normal conversations all night long.  It's downright draining!  In part, I feel like hanging a big sign around my neck saying, "Caution, crazy woman whose just been through a life altering, life SAVING, process. Please disregard 90% of what flows out of her mouth!" 

Because of the self-conscious, insecure aspect involved in this transformation, I usually wind up completely blurting out that I had a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction to people who barely know me, have just met me, or simply stood too close to me to ESCAPE the story. 

What I've noticed usually happens following my confession is that the innocent bystanders become very uncomfortable, and often seem to feel awkward, not knowing where to go with this new information.  This is often followed by me feeling guilty for putting them in this miserable position!  I usually respond by making some jokes about the new boobs, or SHOWING THEM PICTURES of the new scars!  In my mind, I know both reactions are not the wisest choices, but I'm still adjusting. 

Later in the night, I sat with some wonderful new friends, chatting away about the events of the evening and listening to random, light-hearted stories.  Suddenly, somehow, the conversation turned to breasts, again.  Did I do that?  I tend to, being it's all I think about these days (no, guys, not in THAT way!).  One of my new friends mentioned she recently had her breasts reduced.  She was a triple G prior to the reduction!  As she spoke of the back problems and other reasons she HATED having big breasts, I sat feeling a bit like the Yin and Yang symbols, facing each other - one reduced, and one enhanced.  Then she said something about how she would NEVER get implants - they look so fake!  Close to that confession, almost during it, I blurted out that I had just had my mastectomy and just received the final implants.  

She was mortified, embarrassed, and terribly sorry for saying what she had said, but I couldn't be further from mad or hurt by it.  What she didn't understand is that, to a point, I agree.  Thanks to another friend and his difficulty dealing with all this, I am very aware of how FAKE I am now that I have big fake boobs!  I have been very self-conscious, thinking EVERYONE I encounter just sees the "fake" me and assumes that this is my entire personality, not just my chest status.  Maybe it is?  If it is, it is only temporary, while I figure out how to accept the new me, and move forward with confidence. :-) 

So, as I somewhat anticipated from the beginning, my miraculous metamorphosis is also taking place below the surface and beyond the physical.  I am digging to the core of the REAL me - digging through the gummy bears and fake smiles, the boob jokes, and the "feel these" moments - to the heart and soul of who I REALLY am. 

Maybe it took me becoming FAKE...

to truly become REAL? 

The journey continues!

Stage 2 - So soon! At Last! Really?

Stage 2 - That's what they call the exchange surgery.  I only discovered this recently, and the first question on my mind was, "if there are common names for the stages of reconstruction, how many stages are there?"  My crazy mind started imagining Stage 7, 8, and eventually Stage 15!  I mean who calls them stages if there are only 2? 

Stage 2 is officially known as the operation to remove the tissue expanders and replace them with the "permanent" implants.  My mastectomy was on March 14th, so the original thought was that I would be ready for stage 2 in October/November.  As you know, I've had great success "expanding."  Therefore, in June, Dr. Andochick mentioned scheduling the second stage operation as soon as late August, early September.  I was very excited to hear that I may be "complete" before the new school year. 

On Monday, July 2nd, I went in for what I thought would be my final fill.  I was previously told that I would then have to wait about 4 months to do the exchange surgery.  Monday was full of surprises!  First, the doctor felt the skin and said it was getting thin, and we probably shouldn't do another fill.  I was okay with that, and half expected to be told that.  Then, I brought up that I am leaving for California on July 20th, so we would need to work out exactly when I would get the final implants.  I offered to fly back just for the operation if I wasn't ready to leave Cali. 

As soon as I said that, Dr. Andochick said, "Let's do the surgery before you leave then!"  I was shocked to hear that this was even a possibility.  Why do they make other women wait so long if it's actually possible to do this so soon?!  Nonetheless, he had a last minute opening in his surgical schedule for Thursday, July 5th!  I was so happy to know I would be able to do this before going home to California.  One less thing on my mind while out there enjoying the sunshine. 

So, here I sit in my recliner, once again, with 2 drains, and a very tight, temporarily deformed chest!  The operation went well, and the new softer mounds on my chest are actually even for the first time in my life.  He actually used a LEVEL (see photos) to mark the skin and get them even across my chest.  I thought he was joking when he pulled that out! Ha ha. 

THE DROP!
My new softer boobs are VERY high on my chest.  They are practically on my shoulders. I was told they will drop and look better, but I wasn't told how long that would take.  After doing hours of research, once again, on the web, I have concluded that it will be anywhere from 2 to 6 months before they drop to a "normal" looking position.  That has caused a very small moment of pouting.  I was just getting used to looking "stacked" with the expanders, and although they were uneven and hard as rocks, they looked pretty cool under my clothing. :-)  I can only wait and hope that these implants turn out as nice looking. 

While researching "the drop,"  I also discovered that scar tissue forming around the implants determines a lot!  There are websites which recommend massaging them twice a day to prevent excess scar tissue and keep them soft and "flowing."  These websites suggest starting the massage around one to two weeks after surgery. 

There are at least as many websites which recommend against massaging, because it may prevent them from settling where they are supposed to settle, causing all sorts of problems down the road. 

I've also read about complications with scar tissue interfering with the "drop."  All this information has honestly made me miss my expanders, and wish I could have just kept them, since they looked half decent, and my body accepted them so readily. 

For those of you about to go through all this, I only have 2 drains instead of the 4 I had during Stage 1.  I don't have a morphine pump for the pain, so I definitely feel the pain much more than last time.  Also, last time, I didn't take many muscle relaxers, because I didn't really see a reason for them, but this time, there is a big reason to take them!  I don't want to develop capsular contraction.  That is when the muscles squeeze or attempt to reject the implants.  From what I've seen on the web, this can be very painful and cause many complications, including follow-up operations and severely deformed boobs for life. 

Also, I don't feel quite as weak as I did after the first operation.  I still have trouble with opening bottles, closing car doors, etc., but overall, I can do more than I could after the last operation.  The doctor said not to push or pull anything, and not to lift anything heavier than a phone book.  Honestly, a phone book would hurt right now.  The sutures used to shape the boobs are what hurt when I move too quickly.  Sleeping in the recliner is difficult, so I switch back and forth between the recliner and the bed.  I'm not sleeping well at all yet, so that leaves me exhausted during the day.  I think that I will be sleeping better a lot sooner than the last time. 

Clothing is an issue AGAIN.  Now that my boobs are on my shoulders (okay, not quite), I have no idea what shirts I can where other than regular loose t-shirts.  I am praying they drop soon! 

At least I don't have to worry about pulling a Madonna or Janet Jackson!  There is a definite advantage to no longer having nipples. ;-)

With all that said, I am excited to be so far along in this process.  The next phase would be rebuilding nipples, but that is still debatable as far as I am concerned.  My next blog will be all about my nipple options. 

Monday, July 9th, I go in to have the drains removed, as long as I don't have too much fluid coming out.  My fingers are crossed! :-)

Overall, after the Stage 2 operation, I am feeling better than I did after Stage 1, and my outlook is much more positive, now that MY MIRACULOUS METAMORPHOSIS is almost complete! :-)