Three years ago, I was celebrating my 45 birthday, just days after my double mastectomy. That sounds like plenty of time to be done with it and move on, right!? I'm not blind to what goes through other people's minds when I bring it up. And I completely understand where they're coming from - I have those thoughts myself, often. Surprised?
Before this journey began, I had no way of ever imagining all that goes on emotionally during this process, and I don't claim to know what others who've done this go through each day, but THERE'S SO MUCH MORE to this journey than even I could put into words, in person, on a blog, or in a lengthy novel.
The first thing I noticed profoundly is how much people (myself included) judge others, without a clue to what the other is really going through, in any situation, not just fighting cancer. I can't say that I don't ever judge anyone anymore. I wish I could achieve that! But, what I can say is that I find myself stopping and THINKING a lot harder about the judgements I make, whether it be before, during, or after, and I try to remember that I may have NO CLUE as to what they are going through or for what reason they are making the choices they are making.
Moving on...what does that really encompass? The changes aren't strictly physical. This journey isn't just about adjusting to ones new body and saying goodbye to a couple of body parts. Although that sounds drastic and hard enough to deal with, I also had to deal with the realization that someTHING tried to kill me -fast and sneaky, without any real provocation?! The hardest part of dealing with that is the fear! The fear that it's still lurking, hiding, somewhere deep inside of your own body, and maybe this time you won't catch it before it overpowers you and succeeds. Every single day, try as I may, that VERY REAL possibility pops back to the surface. Not all day, of course, but it may hit me while I'm cooking dinner for my children, or maybe as I'm driving them to school, or while I'm working with a student, or...In the middle of the night on my birthday, as I lie awake.
I've talked to many other women who've fought and survived breast cancer, and everyone of them has expressed the same fear. It's what we live with, day in and day out. It's like having a murderous stalker living right inside your own body! You can't run and hide from it. You don't forget about it! You have to stand tall and fight it and THE FEAR OF IT every single day, and pray that you find it early if it does come back! Unfortunately, recurrence of some form of cancer seems common among survivors.
Don't misunderstand me, as least for myself, it's not the same as a fear of dying really. For me, it's more about how dying, from cancer, could affect my friends and family. When I was a young girl, I watched my close friend's mother die of lung cancer. I was there, in the doctors office, when he diagnosed her and told her she had only months to live. I watched what the family went through day after day, and I watched her die a slow, very painful death. I knew then that THIS was the most evil kind of death, and that no family should ever have to experience it!
I could write so much more tonight. My head is filled with thoughts of what I'd like to say to those dealing with breast cancer and those trying to understand what someone they care about is going through, but the reality is I should try to get some rest before my 48th birthday - one I wasn't sure I'd make it to! Hallelujah! :-) I'm still here! Keep fighting that silent stalker!
