The Itsy Bitsy Spider???

Monday, I had my first follow-up appointment at my plastic surgeon's office.  I have yet to actually SEE my plastic surgeon in the last 2 or 3 months, but his nurses are great.  The nurse removed my "pain ball,"  which was very exciting, because the lines delivering the medication were sewn directly into my chest.  They were very long and cumbersome, often getting tangled with the drain tubes.  During this office visit, the nurse said we will probably be able to remove all 4 drains and give me my first "fill" on Thursday!  I practically danced out of the office singing at the prospect of this next milestone!

One thing I never read about during all my research was this strange feeling...like bugs crawling around...UNDER my skin.  Every now and then, I get a little, yet very distinct, sensation in my left pancake (breast?). 

Yes, for lack of a better term, I am calling the places where my breasts used to be, "pancakes."  The expanders (my kids call them water balloons) are large, flat, hard discs, placed just under the skin and muscle.  There isn't any saline (water) in them yet, so they are very, very odd looking.  You can clearly see the outline of the circle through my skin.  The feeling of BUGS crawling around in there is probably the fluid being suctioned into the drain tubes and out into the bottles hanging from my lanyard, hidden under my sweatshirt.  Another possibility is that this feeling is caused by severed nerves trying to reach out and reconnect to something, anything.  Either way, it's a bit alien and disturbing, randomly occurring when I'm having a conversation with someone, or eating lunch, or waiting in line at the corner store. 

Another FEELING occurring at this stage is the feeling that I have a VERY TIGHT BRA on right now!  It's all the suction going on inside from having 4 drains, 2 on each side, constantly drawing from the chest area.  That, along with the uncomfortable discs plastered tightly to my chest under my skin, makes me constantly reach back without thinking to adjust my bra straps!  Crazy, yes!  If I am not completely focused, which the vicodin and muscle relaxers consistently sabotage, I keep trying to readjust my bra.  It's the most annoying feeling, and that, mixed with the alien bugs under my skin, makes it even harder to focus on anyone or anything NORMAL. 

Luckily I don't know anyone NORMAL! ;-)

I've been venturing out of the house a bit the last 2 days, and another issue popping up (or should I say out?) is my belly!  I look perhaps a bit pregnant?  My drains are tucked under my sweatshirt around my waist area.  That combined with my FLAT chest, makes me look either pregnant or like a 50 year old man (*snicker*).  I'm fine with that, and honestly not that worried about what everyone else sees, UNTIL...

out from under my sweatshirt, a drain drops down, hanging in the breeze for all to witness - full of blood, yellow goo, and chunks of bloody tissue! YUK!!!

I feel for all those squeamish people (meaning men) who can't handle the sight of bloody tissue oozing from a woman.  I was waiting in line for ice cream, happy as could be, when, as I walked away, I realized one of my drains had been dangling down by my thigh for who knows how long!  Needless to say, I am much more conscious of these babies now - holding my belly like an expectant mother - making sure none of the drains go AWOL again! 

All this said, I am doing very well, THANKS to my very supportive group of friends, constantly reminding me that I AM FINE!  I really am better than fine.  I feel very blessed that this is all taking place.  This experience has opened my eyes even further to all my blessings and those who share them with me!  I am sure at times, especially in the past year, I sound as though I am complaining, and as though I feel like I have had bad luck, etc.  I want everyone to know, even while sounding like that, I have always appreciated the fantastic life I continue to live.  I am well aware of how spoiled my kids and I are.  I have seen what others around the world have had to deal with and how so many handle their hardships with grace and dignity. 

I try to ELABORATE on every detail in this blog, with the hope that another woman looking for answers, justification or simple validation, will find what she needs during her own personal journey. 

Take care, and I'll be back with an update after my next appointment on Thursday!  Wish me luck getting my drains out and my first fill!  Fingers are crossed! :-)

They have a hotel in a hospital?

I made it through the long surgery and recovery.

My private room in the hospital is so nice that Jake is convinced that this is a hotel suite!

Wasn't feeling much pain, but it's starting to hurt, now. The nurse said we are waiting for the pharmacist to bring the pain meds. I have some in my purse, but she said I can't use it.

Thanks, everyone, for all your love and support. :-)

Mourning parts...pun intended!

Today, I've been secretly in mourning all day.

I've made peace with the DM. In my heart, mind and soul, I fully believe that it's what needs to be done in order for me to live a longer, healthier life.

Nonetheless, part of me will be dead and gone, forever, in about 36 hours from now. The thing that makes this so emotional for me is what I've come to realize was so special about these "parts." In the past 48 hours, every time I'm alone, in the shower, getting dressed or undressed, etc., I glance down at the small breasts I've often been dissatisfied with, often "enhanced" with padded bras, and hidden from sight, almost in shame, while changing in front of others over the years, and all I see are the beautiful faces of my three angels nursing on them. I see their tiny brand new little fists resting on them as they fall asleep in complete satisfaction, their little chins quivering as they start nursing again.  I see their pure, almost transparent, skin, their soft, abundant, feathery eyelashes, as they begin to dream.

When I look at my breasts, I am transported to a time of complete, unconditional love, trust, and joy, in it's purest form - a time that, for me, will never exist again.  Sure, I'll still have the memories, but now I must part with the very part of me that gave my children so much during the first year of each of their lives, physically and emotionally. It's a bond like no other.

And, so, I mourn the passing of perhaps the greatest part of me, the part(s) that went so under-appreciated, ridiculed, shunned, and hidden, for so many years - the part of me that gave my children the best possible start in life, immunities, nourishment, security, and the ultimate happiness and satisfaction only a baby can know - the part of me that instantly took me back to the happiest moments of my life with only a simple glance down at ---

MY BREASTS
R.I.P. 1980-2012

The Countdown Begins...

Today, my good friend and neighbor, whom I've known for over 10 years, is having the same procedure I will be having done on March 14th - a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  To top that off, she has the same surgeons!  I wish her well, and thank her for being brave and going before me, so that I may have some idea of things to come!  Somehow, her strength going into this has helped me a great deal.  She has kept a very cheerful disposition throughout all the planning and preparation for this big day.  I feel like I have a sister in this process.  We will have each other to lean on and compare stories with.  This makes the events ahead much less lonely or isolating.  I can no longer say, "I'll be alone through all this!" or "No one close to me knows what I'm going through!"

I'm still dealing with the settlement for my auto accident.  This adds quite a bit of pressure during the final days before my surgery.  I'm trying to get "all my ducks in order" before I have to focus on recovering from this massive surgery.  There are several doctors to see about my leg, head, and spine injuries in order to come to a settlement with the other woman's insurance agency.  Yet, there's little or no time at all to do this prior to March 14th.  But, enough about all that.

I've been running in circles with the personnel department and my principal to agree to the amount of time off and what procedures need to be completed before I leave Tuesday!  There are mainly 3 people involved in these "negotiations" and none of them knows or agrees with what the other is telling me to do.  It's been a regular 3-ring circus, and frustrating as HELL!

What seems to have finally been decided just today is:

I am offered the "opportunity to take 4 weeks personal disability leave, without pay" - no more, no less - and extend my probationary period by 3 weeks into the next school year. 

At this point, I'll take it! 

As most people reading this know, I am in dire straights financially.  Taking a month off without pay is killing me and my boys!  I am forced to throw pride out the window (if I ever had any) and ask if anyone could help us out with a small donation.  The money would be strictly used for the boys for food, clothes, electricity, gas, etc.

If you can donate anything at all ($1, $5 - no donation is too small!), there is an easy way to do it.

Go to www.PayPal.com and click on "Send Money."  You don't even need a PayPal account to do this!  You simply type in my email address(tina.kantner@yahoo.com) or cell phone number (240-422-2888) as the recipient, follow the prompts, and the money is instantly deposited into my PayPal account.  I have a MasterCard linked to it, so I may then go straight to the grocery store or pay my electric bill online using it.

Whether or not you can donate anything monetarily, I thank you for caring enough to read about my boob adventure and wish me well.  Enjoy your weekend!  It's the last one my boobs will every have!