The saline implants feel, I imagine, much like my current expanders, harder than silicone. Think about when you last filled a water balloon up to the point of almost bursting. Have you ever been hit with one that didn't break? Remember how hard it seemed when it hit and bounced off? Also, the saline implants tend to "buckle." Women sometimes can actually see a ridge or wrinkle under the skin where the implant has oddly bunched up. This sounds like a nightmare to me. How awkward and freakish that would look? This whole process already has me feeling like I've been changed into another form of the bionic woman, with mechanical parts planted under my skin and muscle.
Although the silicone implants will clearly look and feel fake as well, I have read that they are at least MORE like the real things. I don't mind the "perkiness" of the fake boobs. In fact, it's going to be nice to have some perk in that area at my age and after three kids. I'd like them to at least SMOOSH with me as I move, and feel more like breasts should - cushiony, comforting, and fun! ;-)
I have read about the implants coming in various SHAPES, SIZES, AND TEXTURES. Round implants go under the muscle and move with a person more like real breasts. Tear drop shaped implants can move and get out of place, so there is a texture to them to help them stay where they should be. My plastic surgeon hasn't mentioned anything about the different shapes available. I assume either he's waiting until time to do the exchange, or he prefers a certain shape, and that's all he uses. Either way, this is an important part of the final transformation.
Last Wednesday's appointment has raised more concerns regarding placement of the implants. For the last 12 weeks, both the doctor and the nurses have mentioned that the tissue expanders tend to sit WIDER on the chest wall. The way I interpreted their comments along the way was that I shouldn't worry about the fact that my "boobs" are kind of UNDER my armpits, and I have a HUGE valley between the two mountains. The nurses have assured me that the implants fit differently and will be more "centered," giving me more cleavage and less annoying interference when moving my arms. You see, I continually rub the sides of the expanders with my upper arm. Sometimes, the expanders feel as thought they are sitting completely under my armpits, rather than on the front of my chest. This has contributed to the constant nagging pain and swelling on both sides of my ribcage. Some days, my ribs feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and beat them - making my ribs so extremely tender, especially in contrast to the numbness of the skin.
Last Wednesday, the nurse informed me that they may NOT be able to close the g a p between my breasts. She also informed me that I probably cannot go any bigger, due to the skin being stretched as far as it should be at this point. This appointment really took the wind out of my sails. I must admit, I sat in my room and cried the rest of the night. I don't even think I slept more than an hour.
It wasn't that I needed to go bigger, or even have some amazing, out-of-this-world cleavage. It was the complete lack of control I felt, once again, over my body and my physical fate. Once again, the few things I thought I could control, the decisions regarding the cosmetic outcome of my transformation, weren't up to me. All of my false confidence was torn down in the matter of a couple for sentences from the nurse, then out the door and "see you in two weeks!" All of it said with that painted on smile, which I assume really is the best way to handle it from the nurse's point of view. That night, every time I glanced down at my "valley," I saw a completely alien looking freak - as though I had some disfiguring birth defect - almost as freakish as the elephant man himself. I wanted to break all the mirrors in the house, so I wouldn't have to look at that GIANT gap between my breasts.
Of course, my feelings on the matter aren't nearly as extreme today. I needed to get a grip on reality and look at the bigger picture. The big picture for me is:
- I am not battling cancer right now! That battle is over for a while and maybe forever. I have time to watch my children and grandchildren grow!
Still to come...
TO GRAFT OR NOT TO GRAFT Nipples, Tattoos, or Globes??? - In clothes, at least, I look pretty good. No one would guess a thing about what happened to me just 12 weeks ago.
- Also, my boobs DO look pretty big, even on my 6 foot frame! I think past this size, they might be too hard for anyone to get past, long enough to have a decent conversation and maybe look me in the eye. ;-)
