One thing I never read about during all my research was this strange feeling...like bugs crawling around...UNDER my skin. Every now and then, I get a little, yet very distinct, sensation in my left pancake (breast?).
Yes, for lack of a better term, I am calling the places where my breasts used to be, "pancakes." The expanders (my kids call them water balloons) are large, flat, hard discs, placed just under the skin and muscle. There isn't any saline (water) in them yet, so they are very, very odd looking. You can clearly see the outline of the circle through my skin. The feeling of BUGS crawling around in there is probably the fluid being suctioned into the drain tubes and out into the bottles hanging from my lanyard, hidden under my sweatshirt. Another possibility is that this feeling is caused by severed nerves trying to reach out and reconnect to something, anything. Either way, it's a bit alien and disturbing, randomly occurring when I'm having a conversation with someone, or eating lunch, or waiting in line at the corner store.
Another FEELING occurring at this stage is the feeling that I have a VERY TIGHT BRA on right now! It's all the suction going on inside from having 4 drains, 2 on each side, constantly drawing from the chest area. That, along with the uncomfortable discs plastered tightly to my chest under my skin, makes me constantly reach back without thinking to adjust my bra straps! Crazy, yes! If I am not completely focused, which the vicodin and muscle relaxers consistently sabotage, I keep trying to readjust my bra. It's the most annoying feeling, and that, mixed with the alien bugs under my skin, makes it even harder to focus on anyone or anything NORMAL.
Luckily I don't know anyone NORMAL! ;-)I've been venturing out of the house a bit the last 2 days, and another issue popping up (or should I say out?) is my belly! I look perhaps a bit pregnant? My drains are tucked under my sweatshirt around my waist area. That combined with my FLAT chest, makes me look either pregnant or like a 50 year old man (*snicker*). I'm fine with that, and honestly not that worried about what everyone else sees, UNTIL...
out from under my sweatshirt, a drain drops down, hanging in the breeze for all to witness - full of blood, yellow goo, and chunks of bloody tissue! YUK!!!I feel for all those squeamish people (meaning men) who can't handle the sight of bloody tissue oozing from a woman. I was waiting in line for ice cream, happy as could be, when, as I walked away, I realized one of my drains had been dangling down by my thigh for who knows how long! Needless to say, I am much more conscious of these babies now - holding my belly like an expectant mother - making sure none of the drains go AWOL again!
All this said, I am doing very well, THANKS to my very supportive group of friends, constantly reminding me that I AM FINE! I really am better than fine. I feel very blessed that this is all taking place. This experience has opened my eyes even further to all my blessings and those who share them with me! I am sure at times, especially in the past year, I sound as though I am complaining, and as though I feel like I have had bad luck, etc. I want everyone to know, even while sounding like that, I have always appreciated the fantastic life I continue to live. I am well aware of how spoiled my kids and I are. I have seen what others around the world have had to deal with and how so many handle their hardships with grace and dignity.
I try to ELABORATE on every detail in this blog, with the hope that another woman looking for answers, justification or simple validation, will find what she needs during her own personal journey.
Take care, and I'll be back with an update after my next appointment on Thursday! Wish me luck getting my drains out and my first fill! Fingers are crossed! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment