When it rains...

Well, there isn't much news on the "boobie" side of things.  Yesterday, I went for my pre-op blood tests to see if my Protein C has risen to a more acceptable percentage.  This will determine whether or not I need to go on blood thinners to avoid having a stroke during or after surgery.  I don't think there's much possibility of it rising, because it has remained low for the two years we've known about the problem. 


They have the scientific facts, but all I know is, clotting too much has never been a problem for me.  It's not clotting, when I should, that has been the issue in the past.  For example, when they did my first core needle biopsy, it wouldn't stop bleeding, and I had 3 nurses on the table, pressing on my chest for over 20 minutes.  That doesn't sound like I have blood that clots too much, does it?  Therefore, I'm hoping I don't have to have the blood thinners, for fear I may bleed too much!  Just seems like common sense to me.


The title of this blog is "When it rains..." 


It poured the last two weeks!  First of all, my brakes and transmission on my van were both going out fast.  I felt brilliant for realizing that the school I work in has an auto mechanics class!  I asked the instructor if his class could replace my brakes, and got the parts from my father, who works for a wholesale brake supply company.  The class fixed my brakes on Friday!  I had 5 wonderful days of driving without that LOUD, GRINDING noise, causing everyone to stare at me and my van in disbelief!  It was pure heaven after having no brakes for way too long.  The parts were only $60.  Although I can't even afford that, it was a bargain for having brakes and feeling safe, again! 


Those 5 days were all I had in my glorious little van -


On the morning of the 6th day, It all came to an abrupt, horrifying end!  I was on my way to work - usually a very peaceful, smooth drive up a one lane "highway" from my town to the town I work in only 8 miles away.  As I drove up the road at about 50 miles per hour, I noticed a little red car, stopped at the stop sign waiting to cross the road I was on.  There are no stop signs on the road I take, as it's the main road between the only two towns in the area.  As I approached the intersection, the woman driving the little red car suddenly decided to gun it across my road only about 30 to 40 feet RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!  The timing was perfect - IF SHE WAS SUICIDAL!  There was no time to brake, but I did yank the steering wheel as hard and fast as I could, to try and lesson the impact and avoid hitting her head-on.  After hitting her at 50 mph, I careened off her and hit the side of the embankment straight on, flipping my van and landing in a ditch, upside down with my tail end in the air, in more ways than one. 


Hanging there, upside down, in my seat belt, I realized the engine was STILL RUNNING, and I noticed a lot of fluid "raining" down the outside of my now shattered window.  My legs didn't seem to work, and there was an intense pain radiating through my left leg.  My mind raced to the other driver in her little car.  I thought her car had to be smashed to bits.  I could hear the other woman saying over and over, "Hello, are you okay?"  I looked out the passenger window, to see her legs.  She was just standing in the middle of the road, calling to me over and over, but never coming around to see how I am or help me.  At least she was okay.  By this time, I was already calling out for help, but she must not have heard me.  I found the ignition and turned off the engine, then went to work on getting out of there.  My seat belt wouldn't come undone.  I was finally able to use my arms, pushing against the roof of the van (remember I'm upside down) to hold my body up and loosen the seat belt enough to get it to release.  I fell to the roof, covered in glass, and inched my way out the broken window, on my bottom, using my arms to pull the weight of my body out onto the dirt.  My legs weren't working at all, and the pain in both knees was unbearable! 


By this time, several people had stopped to help.  Thank you, to whomever stopped!  I never did get their names.  Three men worked together to pick me up and take me across the road, for we were all afraid the van would blow up.  Everything from that moment until the ambulance ride happened very quickly.  Someone had said they called 911, a woman who seemed to be an off duty EMT, began examining me, another woman wrapped me in a blanket, someone had called the school to tell them I wouldn't be coming to work, and finally, a doctor on his way to work stopped at the scene and began checking me for broken bones, concussion, etc.  What I hadn't realized during all this is:

My son, Christian, was on the school bus only moments behind me!  I never saw them pass, but he said I was on the ground surrounded by people when they passed.  Having worked at my son's school for the last 3 years, every kid on that bus knew me well.  They all panicked, and as soon as they arrived at the middle school the entire school knew I had been in a bad accident.  My poor son must have been freaking out, but he never admitted that.  All he said later, when I asked him, was that his friend, Rachel, saw my face and told him that she thought I was okay!  He apparently decided to take her word for it, and remained calm. :-)

I am okay.  My left leg hurts pretty bad, but the doctor in the E.R. said I don't have any broken bones.  I have a brace for my leg, but today is the first day I have gone without it - so far!

That was just part of my week.  To top things off, my best friend and I got in a horrible fight, and may never be close again.  I think that hurts more than the accident ever could.

With all that "rain,"  I am still looking on the bright side, really.  I am SO lucky that I wasn't hurt worse in the accident.  I am SO lucky that there was no one else in the van with me, especially my kids.  I'm so glad that the other driver wasn't hurt, even though I want to slap her silly for doing what she did. ;-) I am pretty lucky that this means I will get some money to replace my vehicle, and I needed money badly for my time-off during my recovery from the mastectomy.  I will hope I don't need to use much, because I still need a vehicle, but knowing I have that as back-up helps ease my mind.  

I should have named this blog "I'm SO lucky!" 

JUST TODAY!

Okay, so my posts up to this point are really long and detailed.  I just wanted to "record" the events that led up to this point.  We're still not quite caught up, but I want to start more of a "this is what is happening today" blog.  That really is the intention of the entire blog.

Today, I am officially 4 weeks exactly away from the MOST MAJOR surgery I've ever had, or hope to have in my lifetime.  Although mastectomies and breast reconstructions are fairly common and routine, as far as the medical community is concerned, it's still a long, complex surgery, lasting several hours.

Add to the "normal" risks the fact that I have this pesky blood clotting mutation/disorder/risk/complication, and there is a slightly elevated anxiety - both for the doctors and myself. 

So, today, my mind wanders to the "what if"s.  Granted, I am truly NOT STRESSED over these issues, just contemplating what I would, or should, do in case the worst case scenario were to occur.  Sadly, there is that chance.

The only reason I am even thinking about the possibilities mentioned by the doctors - stroke and blood clots, resulting in memory loss, loss of bodily functions, perhaps becoming a vegetable - is because of my children.  My boys are 10 and 12.  My daughter is 21, but still has so much ahead of her that most girls need their mother for - marriage, childbirth, child rearing, etc.  I REALLY don't want to leave them without a mother at this stage in life, or worse yet, with a vegetable for a mother, that they visit and pity.  I want to be someone they can count on and lean on, and get advice from.

So, today, I am thinking, "What if I REALLY DO only have 4 weeks left to live?"  What would be my priorities? 

1. Write each of them a long, long letter, trying to express how I feel about them, my own personal hopes and dreams for them, and any general life advice I might be able to give them from my own experiences over the years.
2. Write down my wishes for their care in the future.  Ultimately, that would be left up to their father, but he will need a lot of help and advice.  Who would I hope he turns to for this?  Who would I want my children going to for advice now that I'm not around?  They will need a "motherly" figure in their life too.  It's a huge burden for Jessica, if she tried to fill it.  I think she's going to have enough to deal with in her 20's without being an instant mother to my boys.
3. Make some kind of living will.  I have a lot of debt, and almost no assets, and I don't want the family spending all their time and money caring for me.  I don't want the boys being "forced" to visit their mother, if they are not comfortable with that.  At the same time, if I were just well enough to live at home, but still had major physical issues and needed a lot of help, I don't want them to be forced to take care of me!  That is the worst scenario as far as I'm concerned.
4. Hug my mother.

That's about as far as I've gotten on my MAJOR priorities list.  Of course, I have a little list in my head of things I would do/accomplish in the last four weeks of my life, just for fun and satisfaction - my "silly" list, when compared to the important issues.  

• Play "Born Under a Bad Sign" on Jed's bass with the Fast Lane Blues Band at the Horseshoe Curve ;-)
• Put my toes in the sand at ANY beach one more time, and taste the salt water on my lips.
• Eat a great lobster dinner!
• Dance all night!
• Sit in a hot tub until I wrinkle like a prune.
• Shake Chris Robinson's hand and tell him how much I love his lyrics and how much The Black Crowes' music has gotten me through the tough times for the last 20 years. (This almost happened once, but I chickened out!)
• Have a BIG party with live music [We're dreaming, right?  So, maybe Kelly Bell, Paul Pfau (playing the blues, not that other crap LOL), and most importantly the Fast Lane Blues Band - since I'm stuck on the east coast, west coast would include many others and they know who they are! :-) ], surrounded by my closest friends, laughing, joking and dancing all night long. This has happened many times. I just wouldn't mind one more time!

Thanks for "listening," and have a GREAT day! :-)

Deflation...

At the point we left off, I knew my breasts were ready to blossom with cancer, if not already hiding more cancer in my "very dense breast tissue."  When I finally met with my surgeon, she told me what I had already discovered.  She said that she needed to remove the area containing the calcification and atypical hyperplasia and examine the tissue for cancer. 


Back to the hospital for another exisional biopsy - my second one on my left breast in less than a year.  I was told the scar would be as small and hidden as the first.  That was a lie.  I woke up to discover a slice across my breast almost 2 inches long, about an inch above my nipple.  I was really thrown by this.  Granted, it has healed nicely, but it IS very noticeable.  To top everything off, it's as if someone has begun to deflate my left breast.  I'm sure it's not that obvious to others, but when I look in the mirror, IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!  (At least that's what the little girl inside me wants to scream at all of the doctors!)


Once again,

I waited, and waited, and waited

for the results, to see if they found anything else in the tissue they had removed.


The doctor informed me that there was no real new information.  The atypical hyperplasia is very evident, and both breasts are likely to have it throughout.  I had a couple of options, but none that made me want to jump up and celebrate.

My surgeon began drawing pictures on a whiteboard and explaining the unpleasant fact that my breasts were very likely to develop INVASIVE CARCINOMA within the next 5 years.  Invasive carcinoma is the "bad" breast cancer - the kind that is much harder to stop and invades the lymph nodes, as well as other parts of your body.  The kind developing in my left breast was still "in situ,"  which means it's just sitting there, contained in one little spot - easily removable and containable. 

We both knew then and there, in our guts, that the "bad" cancer was coming soon.  Too many changes had taken place in the last year.  My breasts were constantly changing and hurting, and the cells were going nuts (mutating and multiplying too fast).  My surgeon gently approached the subject of mastectomy.  As soon as she had finished explaining the situation, I blurted out,

"Let's do it!  Let's just get this over with.  Take them so I never have to worry about this again, and I can finally GET ON WITH MY LIFE!"  

She let out a noticeable sigh and gently smiled, telling me that it is a good decision.  She told me to see the oncologist and plastic surgeon first, to have all my questions answered and truly evaluate the pros and cons.  But, we both knew it was just a matter of time and that I would need the double mastectomy either way within the next couple of years. 

If I don't do the mastectomy now, I will need more tests at a minimum of every 6 months, cancer preventing medication (as recommended by the oncologist), and eventually, chemotherapy and/or radiation, once the cancer becomes invasive.  The cancer preventing medications I am referring to are to prevent or block estrogen, which sometimes accelerates breast cancer.  There are many side effects associated with the medication.  I'm currently on estrogen due to early menopause caused by my hysterectomy.  I already know how I feel and act without estrogen.  Believe me, you don't want to see me that way!  All these precautions, plus the constant anxiety and stress of waiting and wondering with each month and each test, were reason enough to put a stop to this right now!

The decision was made, and so the very lllllloooooonnnnngggggg process began...