The little things...

As I move through this transformation, I realize that I should probably give you all some idea of the little things one can and CAN'T do in the weeks following surgery. 

After 6 weeks, it's come to my attention just how far I've come in regard to things I CAN and can't do. :-) 


I was never really "enlightened" ahead of time as to the simplest things I couldn't do after the surgery.  Everyone is different, so this is simply MY list of things I couldn't do without help.

• Open doors - almost any doors! - the car door, store doors, baby gates, my own back door - any door that takes ANY amount of pressure to open or shut becomes an OBSTACLE. 
• Work seat belts!  I had to ask for help getting my seat belt OFF!  I could clip it on, but the pressure used to push that orange button to release the belt was impossible!  Usually, I could ask whomever was driving me around to do it, but

When the driver would get out too quickly and start walking away from the car, it became pretty embarrassing and downright funny!  I would sit there, trapped, staring at the person as they walked away, hoping they would look back and realize that I wasn't following along!  You can't even really wave without hurting yourself.  This happened quite a few times.  You feel like a toddler in a car seat, waiting for mommy to get you out!

• Get things off shelves, any shelves above your chest height!  You may not realize how many things you keep up higher than your chest, but you WILL SOON!  This is something to think about before you go in the hospital.  I often didn't have anyone to help, and in haste would strain my pectoral muscles to the point of them swelling the size of eggs.  The swelling is very painful and takes days, even weeks to subside, so if you can avoid this, DO!  My friend kept a step stool in the kitchen so that she could reach things easily. 
• Carry a purse!  If you are someone who carries a big purse full of everything but the kitchen sink, STOP!  Lighten the load as much as possible, or break it down into two bags, like a make-up bag, and a wallet with just the necessities (money and ID).  I tried all sorts of different methods, draping it across, backpack style, switching shoulders often, none of which worked. 

One woman I know used a fanny pack until she was completely healed.  I just couldn't rock the fanny pack! LOL  But, it definitely solves this issue.

• GET UP AND DOWN FROM A SITTING POSITION!!!  This by far was the most annoying and painful difficulty without using my arms to push, pull, lean on, etc.  It reminded me a lot of pregnancy.  Remember how it was trying to get up from the couch or bed with an 8 or 9 month belly?  Although the dynamics are slightly different, many of the situations mimic the pregnancy way of moving from place to place - that is, a lot of rolling and leaning in odd ways to move your own weight around until the balance allows you to stand upright.  I'm also one who uses my arms as I sit down.  I never realized this until my operation.  I used to grab the chair with my arms and lower my body into it slowly and gently.  Well, no longer do I sit gracefully! 

I began just FALLING into whatever position I wanted to be in.  It's funniest when I get into the recliner I sleep in.  The recliner is broken and won't go down.  In order to get into it without using my arms at all, I have to walk around to the arm of the recliner and throw myself over it, BUTT FIRST, hoping my butt lands in the center, far enough toward the back of the chair!  I am now an expert at the chair jump (similar to the high jump in track!). 

• Washing my hair!  I thought, "No big deal, I can just lean my head down and kind of rub my hair from my shoulder height, without straining my arms."  That does not work!!!  And, believe me, it makes no difference if you have a hand held shower massage.  You still have to aim the water at your hair.  My friend had a neighbor wash her hair.  If you have money, you can just get it done at the salon every couple of days.  Again, I just strained myself to the point of swelling and soreness every time I washed my hair.  I don't suggest doing this.
• Getting dressed!  They tell you to wear button down shirts.  I opted for zip up hoodies, but zipping tough zippers is very difficult.  Make sure your buttons and zippers are easy to use.  What they forgot to mention was how hard pulling up pants could be.  I ended up wearing sweats and dresses the first 3 to 4 weeks.  I can't tell you how excited I was when I could finally put on a pair of pants or jeans that actually fit nicely, again. 
• OPENING bottled water, or bottled anything for that matter!  I couldn't open any kind of jar or bottle that was "factory sealed" for at least 4 weeks. 

This is really frustrating when it's a bottle of pain meds!!!  You know - the push down while turning kind of caps?!  No way, can you do that in the beginning!

• Then there are the more obvious things you may have already realized - making the bed (IMPOSSIBLE), carrying your laundry to and from the machine, folding your laundry (too much arm movement), pouring a bowl of cereal (even if the milk is low or the container is small, the weight shifting while tipping it to pour can hurt enough to make you drop it!), PEELING A BANANA can even be too difficult. 

This is just a small list of the little things they don't talk about before you go for your mastectomy.  Yes, everyone is different, and not everyone will experience all these little inconveniences.  And, you will survive, even if you don't have much help. 

Each day, I am like a toddler, discovering things I can finally do, again, after days, weeks, months of not being able to do them.  I was so excited the day I was able to get out of the car without any help with my seat belt or the door that I was clapping and jumping up and down - NO ONE in the Target parking lot would join in my excitement?!?!  ;-)  I'm sure I looked absolutely certifiable!

Good luck. 

One more thing - If you are one of us - about to go through all of this - get yourself some pink, breast cancer awerness, survivor stuff, ahead of time.  It's all over the web.  Cafe Press has some nice stuff for very little money.  Once you go through all this, you may start feeling like part of a club, one that goes unnoticed by those who have never a been part of it.  You may start feeling proud and strong for having come through all you have, and want to show your pride in some way. (I haven't been able to do this because of my financial situation, but if you can before surgery, DO! :-) 

Up close and personal!

3 Weeks...

Yes, only 3 weeks ago, I was on an O.R. table,

• being sliced open,
• having parts removed,
• muscles ripped off my chest and rearranged,
• drain tubes sewn into each side,
• a morphine ball rigged up to deliver instant glee directly to my very soul, and
• these magical, odd, rigid, magnetic "water balloons" planted where my boobs used to be. 

 

All this, done in the same amount of time it takes most people to complete "just another day at work."

As you can see on the photo pages, I'm healing well! I'm absolutely in awe of what these last 3 weeks has brought me, both physically and spiritually.  I have learned through this experience that, whether by choice or chance, I am surrounded by people of great character, with an incredibly large amount of compassion, love and understanding.  And, my chest has healed to the point that I can almost recognize myself in the mirror, very different, yet similar in shape and size, once again. 

At this point, with a shirt on, you wouldn't even know I had a major operation and am going through the year-long reconstruction process.

So, in just 3 weeks I have gone from Frankenstein's monster to a new, happier, healthier woman, recognizing so many blessings in my already privileged life. :-)

My miraculous metamorphosis continues...

Holes...

So, today, I found a shirt that covers up all my NEW holes. What a crazy way to think of it?! It's the first time I consciously counted the holes left in me by this surgery - the physical, visible holes, anyway.
8 - eight new holes. The magic number. 2 small holes, 4 medium holes, and 2 VERY LARGE holes. That's a lot to cover up with one cute little summer top.
For those of you trying to get an idea of what you can expect after your surgery, let me elaborate. The 2 small holes are from the tubes the morphine traveled through to get directly to the source if the pain, one on each side under the armpit. The 4 medium holes are where the drains were, 2 on each side under the arm pits, and the 2 large holes - yes, they are the actual double mastectomy scars, where my nipples and areola used to be.
At this point, 3 weeks out, only the 2 small holes are close to being completely healed. It's surprising to me how sore and delicate the drain holes are. My doctor never addressed using much on them for healing or scar prevention. I felt they were slightly infected due to the redness and tenderness to the touch, so I have been applying Neosporin once a day to these holes.
The large scars across my chest are healing very nicely, but they form long "ridges" where the nipples should be. This leads to awkward moments while getting dressed each morning! Almost every shirt I own is either too tight, too light, or too see-through!  You may find that the best type of top is one that hangs loosely and gathers at the top or neck area. I will post a bunch of photos soon!
I hope you are all enjoying  your spring break! :-)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider???

Monday, I had my first follow-up appointment at my plastic surgeon's office.  I have yet to actually SEE my plastic surgeon in the last 2 or 3 months, but his nurses are great.  The nurse removed my "pain ball,"  which was very exciting, because the lines delivering the medication were sewn directly into my chest.  They were very long and cumbersome, often getting tangled with the drain tubes.  During this office visit, the nurse said we will probably be able to remove all 4 drains and give me my first "fill" on Thursday!  I practically danced out of the office singing at the prospect of this next milestone!

One thing I never read about during all my research was this strange feeling...like bugs crawling around...UNDER my skin.  Every now and then, I get a little, yet very distinct, sensation in my left pancake (breast?). 

Yes, for lack of a better term, I am calling the places where my breasts used to be, "pancakes."  The expanders (my kids call them water balloons) are large, flat, hard discs, placed just under the skin and muscle.  There isn't any saline (water) in them yet, so they are very, very odd looking.  You can clearly see the outline of the circle through my skin.  The feeling of BUGS crawling around in there is probably the fluid being suctioned into the drain tubes and out into the bottles hanging from my lanyard, hidden under my sweatshirt.  Another possibility is that this feeling is caused by severed nerves trying to reach out and reconnect to something, anything.  Either way, it's a bit alien and disturbing, randomly occurring when I'm having a conversation with someone, or eating lunch, or waiting in line at the corner store. 

Another FEELING occurring at this stage is the feeling that I have a VERY TIGHT BRA on right now!  It's all the suction going on inside from having 4 drains, 2 on each side, constantly drawing from the chest area.  That, along with the uncomfortable discs plastered tightly to my chest under my skin, makes me constantly reach back without thinking to adjust my bra straps!  Crazy, yes!  If I am not completely focused, which the vicodin and muscle relaxers consistently sabotage, I keep trying to readjust my bra.  It's the most annoying feeling, and that, mixed with the alien bugs under my skin, makes it even harder to focus on anyone or anything NORMAL. 

Luckily I don't know anyone NORMAL! ;-)

I've been venturing out of the house a bit the last 2 days, and another issue popping up (or should I say out?) is my belly!  I look perhaps a bit pregnant?  My drains are tucked under my sweatshirt around my waist area.  That combined with my FLAT chest, makes me look either pregnant or like a 50 year old man (*snicker*).  I'm fine with that, and honestly not that worried about what everyone else sees, UNTIL...

out from under my sweatshirt, a drain drops down, hanging in the breeze for all to witness - full of blood, yellow goo, and chunks of bloody tissue! YUK!!!

I feel for all those squeamish people (meaning men) who can't handle the sight of bloody tissue oozing from a woman.  I was waiting in line for ice cream, happy as could be, when, as I walked away, I realized one of my drains had been dangling down by my thigh for who knows how long!  Needless to say, I am much more conscious of these babies now - holding my belly like an expectant mother - making sure none of the drains go AWOL again! 

All this said, I am doing very well, THANKS to my very supportive group of friends, constantly reminding me that I AM FINE!  I really am better than fine.  I feel very blessed that this is all taking place.  This experience has opened my eyes even further to all my blessings and those who share them with me!  I am sure at times, especially in the past year, I sound as though I am complaining, and as though I feel like I have had bad luck, etc.  I want everyone to know, even while sounding like that, I have always appreciated the fantastic life I continue to live.  I am well aware of how spoiled my kids and I are.  I have seen what others around the world have had to deal with and how so many handle their hardships with grace and dignity. 

I try to ELABORATE on every detail in this blog, with the hope that another woman looking for answers, justification or simple validation, will find what she needs during her own personal journey. 

Take care, and I'll be back with an update after my next appointment on Thursday!  Wish me luck getting my drains out and my first fill!  Fingers are crossed! :-)

They have a hotel in a hospital?

I made it through the long surgery and recovery.

My private room in the hospital is so nice that Jake is convinced that this is a hotel suite!

Wasn't feeling much pain, but it's starting to hurt, now. The nurse said we are waiting for the pharmacist to bring the pain meds. I have some in my purse, but she said I can't use it.

Thanks, everyone, for all your love and support. :-)

Mourning parts...pun intended!

Today, I've been secretly in mourning all day.

I've made peace with the DM. In my heart, mind and soul, I fully believe that it's what needs to be done in order for me to live a longer, healthier life.

Nonetheless, part of me will be dead and gone, forever, in about 36 hours from now. The thing that makes this so emotional for me is what I've come to realize was so special about these "parts." In the past 48 hours, every time I'm alone, in the shower, getting dressed or undressed, etc., I glance down at the small breasts I've often been dissatisfied with, often "enhanced" with padded bras, and hidden from sight, almost in shame, while changing in front of others over the years, and all I see are the beautiful faces of my three angels nursing on them. I see their tiny brand new little fists resting on them as they fall asleep in complete satisfaction, their little chins quivering as they start nursing again.  I see their pure, almost transparent, skin, their soft, abundant, feathery eyelashes, as they begin to dream.

When I look at my breasts, I am transported to a time of complete, unconditional love, trust, and joy, in it's purest form - a time that, for me, will never exist again.  Sure, I'll still have the memories, but now I must part with the very part of me that gave my children so much during the first year of each of their lives, physically and emotionally. It's a bond like no other.

And, so, I mourn the passing of perhaps the greatest part of me, the part(s) that went so under-appreciated, ridiculed, shunned, and hidden, for so many years - the part of me that gave my children the best possible start in life, immunities, nourishment, security, and the ultimate happiness and satisfaction only a baby can know - the part of me that instantly took me back to the happiest moments of my life with only a simple glance down at ---

MY BREASTS
R.I.P. 1980-2012

The Countdown Begins...

Today, my good friend and neighbor, whom I've known for over 10 years, is having the same procedure I will be having done on March 14th - a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  To top that off, she has the same surgeons!  I wish her well, and thank her for being brave and going before me, so that I may have some idea of things to come!  Somehow, her strength going into this has helped me a great deal.  She has kept a very cheerful disposition throughout all the planning and preparation for this big day.  I feel like I have a sister in this process.  We will have each other to lean on and compare stories with.  This makes the events ahead much less lonely or isolating.  I can no longer say, "I'll be alone through all this!" or "No one close to me knows what I'm going through!"

I'm still dealing with the settlement for my auto accident.  This adds quite a bit of pressure during the final days before my surgery.  I'm trying to get "all my ducks in order" before I have to focus on recovering from this massive surgery.  There are several doctors to see about my leg, head, and spine injuries in order to come to a settlement with the other woman's insurance agency.  Yet, there's little or no time at all to do this prior to March 14th.  But, enough about all that.

I've been running in circles with the personnel department and my principal to agree to the amount of time off and what procedures need to be completed before I leave Tuesday!  There are mainly 3 people involved in these "negotiations" and none of them knows or agrees with what the other is telling me to do.  It's been a regular 3-ring circus, and frustrating as HELL!

What seems to have finally been decided just today is:

I am offered the "opportunity to take 4 weeks personal disability leave, without pay" - no more, no less - and extend my probationary period by 3 weeks into the next school year. 

At this point, I'll take it! 

As most people reading this know, I am in dire straights financially.  Taking a month off without pay is killing me and my boys!  I am forced to throw pride out the window (if I ever had any) and ask if anyone could help us out with a small donation.  The money would be strictly used for the boys for food, clothes, electricity, gas, etc.

If you can donate anything at all ($1, $5 - no donation is too small!), there is an easy way to do it.

Go to www.PayPal.com and click on "Send Money."  You don't even need a PayPal account to do this!  You simply type in my email address(tina.kantner@yahoo.com) or cell phone number (240-422-2888) as the recipient, follow the prompts, and the money is instantly deposited into my PayPal account.  I have a MasterCard linked to it, so I may then go straight to the grocery store or pay my electric bill online using it.

Whether or not you can donate anything monetarily, I thank you for caring enough to read about my boob adventure and wish me well.  Enjoy your weekend!  It's the last one my boobs will every have!