JUST TODAY!

Okay, so my posts up to this point are really long and detailed.  I just wanted to "record" the events that led up to this point.  We're still not quite caught up, but I want to start more of a "this is what is happening today" blog.  That really is the intention of the entire blog.

Today, I am officially 4 weeks exactly away from the MOST MAJOR surgery I've ever had, or hope to have in my lifetime.  Although mastectomies and breast reconstructions are fairly common and routine, as far as the medical community is concerned, it's still a long, complex surgery, lasting several hours.

Add to the "normal" risks the fact that I have this pesky blood clotting mutation/disorder/risk/complication, and there is a slightly elevated anxiety - both for the doctors and myself. 

So, today, my mind wanders to the "what if"s.  Granted, I am truly NOT STRESSED over these issues, just contemplating what I would, or should, do in case the worst case scenario were to occur.  Sadly, there is that chance.

The only reason I am even thinking about the possibilities mentioned by the doctors - stroke and blood clots, resulting in memory loss, loss of bodily functions, perhaps becoming a vegetable - is because of my children.  My boys are 10 and 12.  My daughter is 21, but still has so much ahead of her that most girls need their mother for - marriage, childbirth, child rearing, etc.  I REALLY don't want to leave them without a mother at this stage in life, or worse yet, with a vegetable for a mother, that they visit and pity.  I want to be someone they can count on and lean on, and get advice from.

So, today, I am thinking, "What if I REALLY DO only have 4 weeks left to live?"  What would be my priorities? 

1. Write each of them a long, long letter, trying to express how I feel about them, my own personal hopes and dreams for them, and any general life advice I might be able to give them from my own experiences over the years.
2. Write down my wishes for their care in the future.  Ultimately, that would be left up to their father, but he will need a lot of help and advice.  Who would I hope he turns to for this?  Who would I want my children going to for advice now that I'm not around?  They will need a "motherly" figure in their life too.  It's a huge burden for Jessica, if she tried to fill it.  I think she's going to have enough to deal with in her 20's without being an instant mother to my boys.
3. Make some kind of living will.  I have a lot of debt, and almost no assets, and I don't want the family spending all their time and money caring for me.  I don't want the boys being "forced" to visit their mother, if they are not comfortable with that.  At the same time, if I were just well enough to live at home, but still had major physical issues and needed a lot of help, I don't want them to be forced to take care of me!  That is the worst scenario as far as I'm concerned.
4. Hug my mother.

That's about as far as I've gotten on my MAJOR priorities list.  Of course, I have a little list in my head of things I would do/accomplish in the last four weeks of my life, just for fun and satisfaction - my "silly" list, when compared to the important issues.  

• Play "Born Under a Bad Sign" on Jed's bass with the Fast Lane Blues Band at the Horseshoe Curve ;-)
• Put my toes in the sand at ANY beach one more time, and taste the salt water on my lips.
• Eat a great lobster dinner!
• Dance all night!
• Sit in a hot tub until I wrinkle like a prune.
• Shake Chris Robinson's hand and tell him how much I love his lyrics and how much The Black Crowes' music has gotten me through the tough times for the last 20 years. (This almost happened once, but I chickened out!)
• Have a BIG party with live music [We're dreaming, right?  So, maybe Kelly Bell, Paul Pfau (playing the blues, not that other crap LOL), and most importantly the Fast Lane Blues Band - since I'm stuck on the east coast, west coast would include many others and they know who they are! :-) ], surrounded by my closest friends, laughing, joking and dancing all night long. This has happened many times. I just wouldn't mind one more time!

Thanks for "listening," and have a GREAT day! :-)