Various TransFORMations Ahead

FORMS, SHAPES, & PLACEMENT While researching this entire process, I decided almost immediately to go with the "gummy bear" implants rather than the saline implants.  This is a very personal choice, due to the possible risks and complications involved.  Saline are clearly safer, but not by much, with the new "gummy bear" technology of the current silicone implants.  The silicone in the modern implants bonds with itself, so that, if I "SPRING A LEAK," the silicone has a very low chance of dispersing and causing health issues.  It's a really fascinating substance - MUCH like the stuff of which gummy bears are made - hence the common nickname.  The advantage of using the gummy bears is the look and feel. 

The saline implants feel, I imagine, much like my current expanders, harder than silicone.  Think about when you last filled a water balloon up to the point of almost bursting.  Have you ever been hit with one that didn't break?  Remember how hard it seemed when it hit and bounced off?  Also, the saline implants tend to "buckle."  Women sometimes can actually see a ridge or wrinkle under the skin where the implant has oddly bunched up.  This sounds like a nightmare to me.  How awkward and freakish that would look?  This whole process already has me feeling like I've been changed into another form of the bionic woman, with mechanical parts planted under my skin and muscle.

Although the silicone implants will clearly look and feel fake as well, I have read that they are at least MORE like the real things.  I don't mind the "perkiness" of the fake boobs.  In fact, it's going to be nice to have some perk in that area at my age and after three kids.  I'd like them to at least SMOOSH with me as I move, and feel more like breasts should - cushiony, comforting, and fun! ;-)

I have read about the implants coming in various SHAPES, SIZES, AND TEXTURES.  Round implants go under the muscle and move with a person more like real breasts.  Tear drop shaped implants can move and get out of place, so there is a texture to them to help them stay where they should be.  My plastic surgeon hasn't mentioned anything about the different shapes available.  I assume either he's waiting until time to do the exchange, or he prefers a certain shape, and that's all he uses.  Either way, this is an important part of the final transformation.


Last Wednesday's appointment has raised more concerns regarding placement of the implants.  For the last 12 weeks, both the doctor and the nurses have mentioned that the tissue expanders tend to sit WIDER on the chest wall.  The way I interpreted their comments along the way was that I shouldn't worry about the fact that my "boobs" are kind of UNDER my armpits, and I have a HUGE valley between the two mountains.  The nurses have assured me that the implants fit differently and will be more "centered," giving me more cleavage and less annoying interference when moving my arms.  You see, I continually rub the sides of the expanders with my upper arm.  Sometimes, the expanders feel as thought they are sitting completely under my armpits, rather than on the front of my chest.  This has contributed to the constant nagging pain and swelling on both sides of my ribcage.  Some days, my ribs feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and beat them - making my ribs so extremely tender, especially in contrast to the numbness of the skin.  


Last Wednesday, the nurse informed me that they may NOT be able to close the g  a  p between my breasts.  She also informed me that I probably cannot go any bigger, due to the skin being stretched as far as it should be at this point.  This appointment really took the wind out of my sails.  I must admit, I sat in my room and cried the rest of the night.  I don't even think I slept more than an hour. 

It wasn't that I needed to go bigger, or even have some amazing, out-of-this-world cleavage.  It was the complete lack of control I felt, once again, over my body and my physical fate.  Once again, the few things I thought I could control, the decisions regarding the cosmetic outcome of my transformation, weren't up to me.  All of my false confidence was torn down in the matter of a couple for sentences from the nurse, then out the door and "see you in two weeks!"  All of it said with that painted on smile, which I assume really is the best way to handle it from the nurse's point of view.  That night, every time I glanced down at my "valley,"  I saw a completely alien looking freak - as though I had some disfiguring birth defect - almost as freakish as the elephant man himself.  I wanted to break all the mirrors in the house, so I wouldn't have to look at that GIANT gap between my breasts.


Of course, my feelings on the matter aren't nearly as extreme today.  I needed to get a grip on reality and look at the bigger picture.  The big picture for me is:

• I am not battling cancer right now!  That battle is over for a while and maybe forever.  I have time to watch my children and grandchildren grow!
  
  
  
  
  Still to come...
  
  
  TO GRAFT OR NOT TO GRAFT  Nipples, Tattoos, or Globes???
• In clothes, at least, I look pretty good.  No one would guess a thing about what happened to me just 12 weeks ago. 
• Also, my boobs DO look pretty big, even on my 6 foot frame!  I think past this size, they might be too hard for anyone to get past, long enough to have a decent conversation and maybe look me in the eye. ;-)

Wax On...Wax Off

These last 2 weeks have been filled with brand new concerns, which I've previously put off.  I've enjoyed NOT worrying myself silly with all the decisions ahead that will affect my overall happiness and satisfaction with the "New Me."  Mind you, I am well aware that these concerns are VERY minor in comparison to the daily concerns of most other people.  I am in no way feeling sorry for myself at this point.  I feel very blessed and lucky.  LIFE IS GOOD!

SIZE  What size do I REALLY want to be?  I've always said, "bigger!" BUT, just HOW BIG is right for me, considering I will be carrying these babies around for at least the next 10 years?  Until now, I have been able to look down and say to myself, "definitely bigger!"  Now, I have reached a size where I look in the mirror, and say, "if this is where we stop, I could be very happy with this size, at least for now."  That's where I start questioning myself.  Yes, this is a nice size, nothing to sneeze at, and if God had given me these to begin with, I doubt I would have been disappointed at all.  BUT, I have gone so long with small breasts, that the "disappointed teenager" in me is curious to try life with breasts on the LARGER side of average.  I know it's silly, and vein, etc., but why not indulge a little in my own childish fantasy of being voluptuous?  Insurance is paying for it, and, after all that's happened to me physically, aren't I entitled to go a little overboard? 

Things I've got to consider related to size:

• Back problems?  Women have been warning me over and over about the back problems related to the weight of these new toys.  I already slouch quite a bit (which I need to stop doing!)  and with the new weight up front, will I slouch even worse?  I tend to think it will help me not slouch, because I am already more conscious of my back with the current size.  I am correcting my posture more often to counter balance the new water balloons.  I think it might be a not so subtle reminder to stand up straight! :-)  Also, it may make my back stronger, just holding these babies up!
• Clothing issues!  I've had to get rid of at least half my beautiful tops because they are already way to small in the boobs to wear.  They look just plain silly.  Even my lingerie has to be given to Good Will, as do my bathing suits!  It's going to be a long, expensive process replenishing my wardrobe to accommodate the new chest size.  Shopping now is so foreign.  I am so used to looking for a certain style that accentuated my small breasts.  The style I always wore looks ridiculous on these boobs.  I need to re-learn what styles compliment my new figure.  It's made me very empathetic to the larger breasted women I've always envied. 
• To bra or not to bra?  Women who have had this done tell me to not even bother buying any more bras.  This is hard for me, because I love to wear fancy matching bras and panties.  It makes me feel feminine and sexy.  How can I NOT wear sexy, lacy, girly bras?!? 
• Bibs? ;-)  (Think about it!)

Judging a book by it's cover!

I am now 7 weeks  post-op.  In this SHORT, yes I said SHORT, amount of time, it has dawned on me that no matter what my physical ordeal/condition, if I choose to look my best and put on a smile, people will assume that having a double mastectomy was NOTHING, yes, "no big deal."  Right???

WRONG! Yes, i have chosen to "look on the bright side," "stiff upper lip," etc. BUT, let me clearly state that it was not "nothing" or "no big deal" and I am not exactly "fine."  I choose to portray that, because, really, what's the alternative?! Wallow in self-pity? That isn't very productive. That is not the way I want to spend the rest off my precious days - which hopefully I've prolonged!

I guess what I'm saying is, "I(we who've been through this) don't exactly want your pitty, but please remember that I've been through a VERY BIG, life-altering event, which warrants a little understanding and kindness from those who care about me...EVEN IF I APPEAR FINE!
Please think about that while you are helping me work through this, and, yes, it is FINE to
LAUGH ABOUT IT, along the way.  Humor heals. :-)

The little things...

As I move through this transformation, I realize that I should probably give you all some idea of the little things one can and CAN'T do in the weeks following surgery. 

After 6 weeks, it's come to my attention just how far I've come in regard to things I CAN and can't do. :-) 


I was never really "enlightened" ahead of time as to the simplest things I couldn't do after the surgery.  Everyone is different, so this is simply MY list of things I couldn't do without help.

• Open doors - almost any doors! - the car door, store doors, baby gates, my own back door - any door that takes ANY amount of pressure to open or shut becomes an OBSTACLE. 
• Work seat belts!  I had to ask for help getting my seat belt OFF!  I could clip it on, but the pressure used to push that orange button to release the belt was impossible!  Usually, I could ask whomever was driving me around to do it, but

When the driver would get out too quickly and start walking away from the car, it became pretty embarrassing and downright funny!  I would sit there, trapped, staring at the person as they walked away, hoping they would look back and realize that I wasn't following along!  You can't even really wave without hurting yourself.  This happened quite a few times.  You feel like a toddler in a car seat, waiting for mommy to get you out!

• Get things off shelves, any shelves above your chest height!  You may not realize how many things you keep up higher than your chest, but you WILL SOON!  This is something to think about before you go in the hospital.  I often didn't have anyone to help, and in haste would strain my pectoral muscles to the point of them swelling the size of eggs.  The swelling is very painful and takes days, even weeks to subside, so if you can avoid this, DO!  My friend kept a step stool in the kitchen so that she could reach things easily. 
• Carry a purse!  If you are someone who carries a big purse full of everything but the kitchen sink, STOP!  Lighten the load as much as possible, or break it down into two bags, like a make-up bag, and a wallet with just the necessities (money and ID).  I tried all sorts of different methods, draping it across, backpack style, switching shoulders often, none of which worked. 

One woman I know used a fanny pack until she was completely healed.  I just couldn't rock the fanny pack! LOL  But, it definitely solves this issue.

• GET UP AND DOWN FROM A SITTING POSITION!!!  This by far was the most annoying and painful difficulty without using my arms to push, pull, lean on, etc.  It reminded me a lot of pregnancy.  Remember how it was trying to get up from the couch or bed with an 8 or 9 month belly?  Although the dynamics are slightly different, many of the situations mimic the pregnancy way of moving from place to place - that is, a lot of rolling and leaning in odd ways to move your own weight around until the balance allows you to stand upright.  I'm also one who uses my arms as I sit down.  I never realized this until my operation.  I used to grab the chair with my arms and lower my body into it slowly and gently.  Well, no longer do I sit gracefully! 

I began just FALLING into whatever position I wanted to be in.  It's funniest when I get into the recliner I sleep in.  The recliner is broken and won't go down.  In order to get into it without using my arms at all, I have to walk around to the arm of the recliner and throw myself over it, BUTT FIRST, hoping my butt lands in the center, far enough toward the back of the chair!  I am now an expert at the chair jump (similar to the high jump in track!). 

• Washing my hair!  I thought, "No big deal, I can just lean my head down and kind of rub my hair from my shoulder height, without straining my arms."  That does not work!!!  And, believe me, it makes no difference if you have a hand held shower massage.  You still have to aim the water at your hair.  My friend had a neighbor wash her hair.  If you have money, you can just get it done at the salon every couple of days.  Again, I just strained myself to the point of swelling and soreness every time I washed my hair.  I don't suggest doing this.
• Getting dressed!  They tell you to wear button down shirts.  I opted for zip up hoodies, but zipping tough zippers is very difficult.  Make sure your buttons and zippers are easy to use.  What they forgot to mention was how hard pulling up pants could be.  I ended up wearing sweats and dresses the first 3 to 4 weeks.  I can't tell you how excited I was when I could finally put on a pair of pants or jeans that actually fit nicely, again. 
• OPENING bottled water, or bottled anything for that matter!  I couldn't open any kind of jar or bottle that was "factory sealed" for at least 4 weeks. 

This is really frustrating when it's a bottle of pain meds!!!  You know - the push down while turning kind of caps?!  No way, can you do that in the beginning!

• Then there are the more obvious things you may have already realized - making the bed (IMPOSSIBLE), carrying your laundry to and from the machine, folding your laundry (too much arm movement), pouring a bowl of cereal (even if the milk is low or the container is small, the weight shifting while tipping it to pour can hurt enough to make you drop it!), PEELING A BANANA can even be too difficult. 

This is just a small list of the little things they don't talk about before you go for your mastectomy.  Yes, everyone is different, and not everyone will experience all these little inconveniences.  And, you will survive, even if you don't have much help. 

Each day, I am like a toddler, discovering things I can finally do, again, after days, weeks, months of not being able to do them.  I was so excited the day I was able to get out of the car without any help with my seat belt or the door that I was clapping and jumping up and down - NO ONE in the Target parking lot would join in my excitement?!?!  ;-)  I'm sure I looked absolutely certifiable!

Good luck. 

One more thing - If you are one of us - about to go through all of this - get yourself some pink, breast cancer awerness, survivor stuff, ahead of time.  It's all over the web.  Cafe Press has some nice stuff for very little money.  Once you go through all this, you may start feeling like part of a club, one that goes unnoticed by those who have never a been part of it.  You may start feeling proud and strong for having come through all you have, and want to show your pride in some way. (I haven't been able to do this because of my financial situation, but if you can before surgery, DO! :-) 

Up close and personal!

3 Weeks...

Yes, only 3 weeks ago, I was on an O.R. table,

• being sliced open,
• having parts removed,
• muscles ripped off my chest and rearranged,
• drain tubes sewn into each side,
• a morphine ball rigged up to deliver instant glee directly to my very soul, and
• these magical, odd, rigid, magnetic "water balloons" planted where my boobs used to be. 

 

All this, done in the same amount of time it takes most people to complete "just another day at work."

As you can see on the photo pages, I'm healing well! I'm absolutely in awe of what these last 3 weeks has brought me, both physically and spiritually.  I have learned through this experience that, whether by choice or chance, I am surrounded by people of great character, with an incredibly large amount of compassion, love and understanding.  And, my chest has healed to the point that I can almost recognize myself in the mirror, very different, yet similar in shape and size, once again. 

At this point, with a shirt on, you wouldn't even know I had a major operation and am going through the year-long reconstruction process.

So, in just 3 weeks I have gone from Frankenstein's monster to a new, happier, healthier woman, recognizing so many blessings in my already privileged life. :-)

My miraculous metamorphosis continues...

Holes...

So, today, I found a shirt that covers up all my NEW holes. What a crazy way to think of it?! It's the first time I consciously counted the holes left in me by this surgery - the physical, visible holes, anyway.
8 - eight new holes. The magic number. 2 small holes, 4 medium holes, and 2 VERY LARGE holes. That's a lot to cover up with one cute little summer top.
For those of you trying to get an idea of what you can expect after your surgery, let me elaborate. The 2 small holes are from the tubes the morphine traveled through to get directly to the source if the pain, one on each side under the armpit. The 4 medium holes are where the drains were, 2 on each side under the arm pits, and the 2 large holes - yes, they are the actual double mastectomy scars, where my nipples and areola used to be.
At this point, 3 weeks out, only the 2 small holes are close to being completely healed. It's surprising to me how sore and delicate the drain holes are. My doctor never addressed using much on them for healing or scar prevention. I felt they were slightly infected due to the redness and tenderness to the touch, so I have been applying Neosporin once a day to these holes.
The large scars across my chest are healing very nicely, but they form long "ridges" where the nipples should be. This leads to awkward moments while getting dressed each morning! Almost every shirt I own is either too tight, too light, or too see-through!  You may find that the best type of top is one that hangs loosely and gathers at the top or neck area. I will post a bunch of photos soon!
I hope you are all enjoying  your spring break! :-)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider???

Monday, I had my first follow-up appointment at my plastic surgeon's office.  I have yet to actually SEE my plastic surgeon in the last 2 or 3 months, but his nurses are great.  The nurse removed my "pain ball,"  which was very exciting, because the lines delivering the medication were sewn directly into my chest.  They were very long and cumbersome, often getting tangled with the drain tubes.  During this office visit, the nurse said we will probably be able to remove all 4 drains and give me my first "fill" on Thursday!  I practically danced out of the office singing at the prospect of this next milestone!

One thing I never read about during all my research was this strange feeling...like bugs crawling around...UNDER my skin.  Every now and then, I get a little, yet very distinct, sensation in my left pancake (breast?). 

Yes, for lack of a better term, I am calling the places where my breasts used to be, "pancakes."  The expanders (my kids call them water balloons) are large, flat, hard discs, placed just under the skin and muscle.  There isn't any saline (water) in them yet, so they are very, very odd looking.  You can clearly see the outline of the circle through my skin.  The feeling of BUGS crawling around in there is probably the fluid being suctioned into the drain tubes and out into the bottles hanging from my lanyard, hidden under my sweatshirt.  Another possibility is that this feeling is caused by severed nerves trying to reach out and reconnect to something, anything.  Either way, it's a bit alien and disturbing, randomly occurring when I'm having a conversation with someone, or eating lunch, or waiting in line at the corner store. 

Another FEELING occurring at this stage is the feeling that I have a VERY TIGHT BRA on right now!  It's all the suction going on inside from having 4 drains, 2 on each side, constantly drawing from the chest area.  That, along with the uncomfortable discs plastered tightly to my chest under my skin, makes me constantly reach back without thinking to adjust my bra straps!  Crazy, yes!  If I am not completely focused, which the vicodin and muscle relaxers consistently sabotage, I keep trying to readjust my bra.  It's the most annoying feeling, and that, mixed with the alien bugs under my skin, makes it even harder to focus on anyone or anything NORMAL. 

Luckily I don't know anyone NORMAL! ;-)

I've been venturing out of the house a bit the last 2 days, and another issue popping up (or should I say out?) is my belly!  I look perhaps a bit pregnant?  My drains are tucked under my sweatshirt around my waist area.  That combined with my FLAT chest, makes me look either pregnant or like a 50 year old man (*snicker*).  I'm fine with that, and honestly not that worried about what everyone else sees, UNTIL...

out from under my sweatshirt, a drain drops down, hanging in the breeze for all to witness - full of blood, yellow goo, and chunks of bloody tissue! YUK!!!

I feel for all those squeamish people (meaning men) who can't handle the sight of bloody tissue oozing from a woman.  I was waiting in line for ice cream, happy as could be, when, as I walked away, I realized one of my drains had been dangling down by my thigh for who knows how long!  Needless to say, I am much more conscious of these babies now - holding my belly like an expectant mother - making sure none of the drains go AWOL again! 

All this said, I am doing very well, THANKS to my very supportive group of friends, constantly reminding me that I AM FINE!  I really am better than fine.  I feel very blessed that this is all taking place.  This experience has opened my eyes even further to all my blessings and those who share them with me!  I am sure at times, especially in the past year, I sound as though I am complaining, and as though I feel like I have had bad luck, etc.  I want everyone to know, even while sounding like that, I have always appreciated the fantastic life I continue to live.  I am well aware of how spoiled my kids and I are.  I have seen what others around the world have had to deal with and how so many handle their hardships with grace and dignity. 

I try to ELABORATE on every detail in this blog, with the hope that another woman looking for answers, justification or simple validation, will find what she needs during her own personal journey. 

Take care, and I'll be back with an update after my next appointment on Thursday!  Wish me luck getting my drains out and my first fill!  Fingers are crossed! :-)