Really, really???

Isn't that the expression used today, by teenagers when their friends say something unbelievable, or unexpected? Today, I went to hug my friend, who's been picking on me all day, goodnight/goodbye, and I'm guessing my elbow accidentally poked him in the ribs (still not sure). He actually says, "Man, that hurt! Felt like someone actually ripped my chest in half!"  Said with so much drama and "whoa is me."

REALLY?! REALLY???!!! Do you have any idea what you're talking about? Because I DO! Mine's been ripped in half twice so far, and in a few weeks we're doing it all over again...So, how did that feel??? Describe that to me, and I'll let you know if it really did feel "LIKE YOUR CHEST WAS RIPPED IN HALF!"  Frickin' baby!!!

Sorry, that's all i have to say about that! Sleep well, kids.

I'm stuck half way out of my cocoon!

Here I am, basically ready to go pick out my tattoo nipples, and WOOPS! Never mind!  Now, it looks like I may be able to get them on the 1 year anniversary of my double mastectomy - March 14th.  In a way that would be really awesome, so I'll hope for that!

The surgery to correct my "malfunctioning" breasts has been postponed to December 19th.  Hopefully, I will have my drains out before Christmas. I call this operation my RE-reconstruction!  Wow.  This is the kind of stuff no one talks about, at least no one I've met.  I do have a friend (Karen) who said it took her several operations before they were "satisfied" with the results.  But, she was trying to match her reconstructed breast to her remaining natural breast.  I assumed that was the reason for several surgeries.  I thought, I'm doing both, so it should be fairly easy to make them match up. 

The current frustration I'm feeling is being STUCK in limbo, without knowing what is at the other end of this journey.  I'm talking physically mostly, now.  I see clothes, bras, which I want to buy, that look great at the moment, then realize I may have to start fresh, when this is all over.  I have no idea what size and shape I will be after this next surgery!  That is so frustrating!  I am very scared of this new surgery, although the doctor and nurses have minimized the whole thing, even stating that the drains will only be in a day or two.  YEAH, I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE - FROM THEIR VERY MOUTHS!

Add to that the fear that these new scars will be hideous!  I was VERY happy with the way the scars healed the first time, but the latest surgery deepened the scar tissue, and the scars are thicker and redder.  Still, I thought, "they really aren't that bad."  But, how are they going to recover from being sliced open a THIRD time?  I thought of asking if they can make new incisions, maybe underneath the breast, and leave those alone.  But, then I will have 4 long scars instead of 2.  They are fusing that cadaver skin - Alloderm - into my breasts as well.  Part of me is happy about this because I think it will give my breasts a much softer, more natural slope, shape, and feel.  I am so thin, I really do need more fatty tissue around the implants.  They remind me of water balloons in a slingshot. LOL

I am so confused by this complication that I waiver each day, deciding to just stop trying to "fix" them, and then changing my mind back again.  I have no idea why I am so scared of this (final?) procedure, but I figure there are at least two ways to look at this...

Like my scars, will I toughen up and become stronger, virtually indestructible, from this whole experience,

or

will I become weak, worn thin, and emotionally scarred by this for the rest of my life?

I chose the former!  Fingers crossed...

It ain't over 'til...

When???  Not yet, IT'S TOO SOON!  Just when you and I thought this journey was coming to completion...


There's a new complication.  Maybe I should have suspected things couldn't go THIS smoothly?!  Wait, did it go smoothly?  I thought, for the most part, it really did.  As you know, if you've been reading these blogs, I keep saying to myself, "there are so many people in this world who have REAL problems.  I refuse to feel sorry for myself, or complain (at least in person)!" 


Tuesday, I was talking to a counselor I've been seeing for a few weeks, to help me get through this last year of intense life changes.  She's a very straight-forward, tough-love type of person, whom I respect a great deal.  This time, as I broke down in her office and apologized over and over, blurting out that I'm sure she sees so many people in much worse situations, with much more to deal with, she YELLED at me, put her hand up and told me to STOP! 


I thought, "Oh, you're so right.  How can I be so selfish as to break down like this with my tiny problems? I'm such a spoiled baby!"  But, she interrupted those very thoughts to tell me to stop acting like my problems, and my feelings about what I've been going through, weren't valid reasons to be upset or cry out loud.  She went on to tell me that I have a right to feel ANY way I feel about what is happening to ME.  That I should stop feeling as though I don't have a right to my feelings, or to be upset about what I've gone through this past year. 


As she went on, she explained that I should never COMPARE my situation with anyone else's.  This is my life, my body, my experience, and I need to own my feelings regarding it!  I need to allow myself to grieve, feel sad, be angry, happy, and feel whatever else these events have brought to the surface.  It's perfectly OKAY to admit to my children and anyone else in my life that I'm having a "sad day."  But, I digress...


COMPLICATIONS...
One hot night, exhausted and baking like a potato wrapped in foil on the bar-b, I fell asleep early and unexpectedly while watching TV.  I woke up around 11 p.m. only to notice my left breast felt "funny."  When I looked at it, I honestly panicked.  It looked like a half deflated basketball!  I've never noticed it EVER looking like this before.  As I tried to puff it up (LOL), it became REAL to me that there was a problem.  After about 30 minutes of messing with it, and trying to mentally grasp what was going on with my breast, I finally dragged myself into the E.R. to try to get some answers and reassurance. 


That was a waste of time!  The doctor actually sat there, never once examining the breast and said they do not have the personnel or equipment available to check into what could be wrong.  He sent me home without ever trying to assess the situation, with the recommendation that I call my surgeon in the morning.


I went in the next afternoon.  My surgeon was "busy," but the nurse looked at it, took pictures, and did her best to reassure me that what was happening was not life threatening, and not that unusual.  That's enough for me!  I am not making this a BIG deal, but I do want those of you going through this process to know all you can about what may happen just when you think you're in the clear, and able to move on with your life. 


This blog is long enough, so I will try to cut it short, and I will write in more detail soon.  The best way I can explain it is...


The pocket, formed partially by scar tissue, which holds the implant in place, has stretched, or formed too loosely.  There are no cut and dry answers here, but the skin is thin, I have NO fat in that area, and the left breast is where the muscle was cut too much and too deeply.  I call that butchered area "my problem area."  All of these pre-existing factors, combined with the implants dropping into place and settling, have created a large enough pocket for the implants to bunch up and "ripple."  


Although I was so concerned and shocked by the new look, it is not very noticeable unless you already know and I bend forward, letting my boob fall away from my body.  The weirdest part for me is the way it feels to the touch.  It really does feel like a deflated basketball.  It's a VERY STRANGE feeling!


The solution isn't great, nor is it fool-proof.  I have to have surgery again.  They will go in through the same incisions for a 3rd time! :-(  The scars which were healing so well, are really taking a beating. I will have to have this stuff from a cadaver injected around the implant, as insulation to "fatten up" the look of my breasts.  The kicker - they will probably be taking out these implants and putting in larger ones to "fill" the space, but then we risk stretching everything even further and winding up with the same problem all over again.  On top of that, if I go any bigger, I have to get custom bras online, instead of my favorite Victoria's Secret bras. :-(


My surgery is scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. 


(See what I mean - silly problems if you compare them to people with REAL problems!)  Thanks for reading my latest.  I know this was NOT very entertaining. 


Have a great week, all!!! :-)

Nipples??????????????

Finally!!!  The BIG decision is near...

Do I rebuild my nipples, get nipples tattooed on, or get alternate tattoos in place of nipples?  It's the final decision to be made, but probably the one decision that will effect my overall satisfaction with the look of my new breasts most of all. 

SIZE AND PLACEMENT

No matter which option I choose for nipple replacement, I need to figure out the precise placement and circumference of the new nipples!  I guess I could get some circle stickers of different sizes and try them out. LOL  It's really going to bother me (obsessive, remember!) if the permanent ones aren't quite even or if they look "cross eyed!"  I really would go CRAZY(er), if that were the final result.

REBUILDING NIPPLES

It has come to my attention that most people I talk to regarding this process do not have any idea what rebuilding nipples entails.  There are options involved even within this option.  The doctor can take skin from other areas of the body to use as nipples.  Some areas used include the inner thigh or part of the labia (yes, lips).  There is an advantage to using labia.  The skin is naturally darker, and perhaps even resembles a nipple in texture, more than regular skin.  Some doctors just use the skin already where the actual nipple would be. 

When the decision is made regarding where the skin is taken from, the doctor somehow folds up the piece of skin and sews it together in the shape of the nipple.  They can either only make the actual nipple, and have the areola tattooed on after the nipple heals, or graft an areola out of the labia skin at the same time as sewing on the nipple, for the added effect of a more natural texture and color.  If  they use lighter skin and tattoo the nipple and areola for a more natural pink look, the tattoos fade, and most women wind up with WHITE nipples, sometimes getting them re-tattooed every couple of years, or just sticking with the white grapes.  I call them grapes, because, in the beginning, they stick out and are huge! I've heard the doctor gives you a nipple guard to keep on them while they heal.  Keep in mind, no matter how real they look, they remain numb.  They are still and always will be "just for looks."

Although this looks a bit more natural, it is an additional surgery with many possible complications, including necrosis (the skin used could die and decay), either the entire nipple and areola, or just a portion.  Often times, they collapse and flatten out completely.  From research I've done, it's my opinion that these complications are fairly common.  I've read many blogs where the women have gone through 2, 3 or even more, nipple reconstructions before achieving a half decent nipple and areola.  This process sounds like a nightmare to me!  I am not looking forward to another surgery - plain and simple!

TATTOOS

This is the option I am leaning toward.  Still, there remain options - tattoos depicting 3D images of real nipples, or tattoos in the place of nipples which are more personal, meaningful, and much prettier!  I am leaning toward a sort of daisy, with a 3D nipple in the center of the flower.  See the pictures posted on my "Nipple" page above!  I am posting pictures of each option for comparison, and, no, none of them are my own boobs or nipples!  LOL

I am interested in ideas for tattoos.  If any of you see something, either funny or serious, please send it my way!  I need as much input as possible before the big day, when I finally commit to something permanent. 

Here are some funny ideas which have come up along the way:

• A shot glass and a lime
• Yin and Yang
• Peace signs
• 4 leaf clovers
• Stars
• Hearts
• Breast Cancer Ribbons
• Bass Clefs
• Lips/Kisses
• Flowers
• Sun/Moon
• Skulls

As I said, I am leaning toward the flowers, and if you look on my nipple photo page, you'll see what I think looks best out of all the options discussed.  If I do this, I need to find a fantastic tattoo artist who does a great job on making images appear 3D.  I am taking any and all suggestions for this, and I am willing to travel where ever I need to in order to get the best possible results. 

Prosthetics

There is also a not so permanent, but reasonable, option for those who don't want to commit.  You can get prosthetic nipples.  I found some great ones online that you can wear for up to 2 weeks, and you can go swimming, shower, etc. in them!  The cost is a bit much - $275 to $625 EACH. I think insurance has to authorize them, but I am sure there are limits on how many and how expensive, and whether or not you pay up front and get reimbursed.  I like that these come in different colors and sizes, not to mention the cheaper, very temporary, option comes in VARIETY PACKS!   This could be a good way to experiment with placement, color and size, before making any drastic decisions.

I cannot end this blog without mentioning my dear grandmother, who passed away this July 28th.  She was my comfort and inspiration throughout this journey, for many reasons, but mainly because she was the only member of my family other than me who has had a mastectomy (on only one breast, with no reconstruction).  Her bravery and LACK OF WHINING, through her cancer treatments (x2) and mastectomy, set the bar high for everyone who knew her.  A braver, kinder, wiser, more giving, more patient woman will never exist in our lifetime. This much I know!  Thank you, Grandma, for showing me real strength and giving me something to strive for, always.  Rest in peace. 

Okay, so I LIED!?!

No, this post is not all about nipples!  Let the nipple discussion anticipation mount...

My implant surgery was 17 days ago.  Wow, it seems like it was at least a month ago.  The healing this time seems to have accelerated triplefold!  My scars look as old as the previous scars, not brand new.  The "scaffolding" sutures used to form the crease underneath the breasts have loosened up and the look of the crease has softened to the point of almost looking natural.

Ah, "natural."  That is the theme of this blog!  Adjusting to carrying these new liquid stress balls around has been a true learning experience.  As you know from previous blogs, I was actually looking forward to having some larger, noticeable breasts.  I was well aware of the extra weight potentially causing problems such as back strain, poor posture, and so on.  I also knew that men in particular may view me differently - pun intended!

SO MUCH MORE is affected when going from small breasts to larger, obviously fake breasts!  Last night is one small example.

First of all, let me take you back to before I even left the house, yesterday.  As I got out of the shower, I began planning what to wear.  I had the additional challenge of knowing I could either wind up at a rugged racetrack, or a nice concert venue surrounded by upper class women in designer clothes.  Let's add the ADDITIONAL challenge of having most of the clothing I own packed for a trip to California which is now postponed!  I was scrambling for something that looked sexy, yet not like I was going clubbing (LOL).  After about an hour of trying on everything I hadn't packed, I wound up tearing through a packed suitcase, desperate for a specific shirt and shorts that I knew looked good with the NEW boobs. 

Sure enough! The races were canceled and I wound up in Reston with a bunch of rich folks, watching a fantastic free concert - C.J. Chenier and the Red Hot Louisiana Band - in my Billy Lane Choppers t-shirt and tight black denim shorts with cheap flip flops.  At times, I felt really out of place, but enjoyed the concert and the entire evening, nonetheless.

In retrospect, I realize now that my feeling out of place revolved around my breasts and the adjustments I am going through at this stage in the process.  So many things go on under the surface that people around me aren't aware of.  I even went to the bathroom every couple of hours just to stare in the mirror trying to figure out if I looked freakishly disproportionate, just slightly "blessed" with a figure, or totally "normal."  Then there are the thoughts that go through my OBSESSIVE head as I walk through the crowd:

• Did that guy stare at me because I have something on my face, or...
• Is my shirt too tight?
• Does everyone think I'm showing off my new implants? (Maybe I am, but I don't want them to know that, really.)
• Do I look like some "California Bimbo?" (Probably!)
• Maybe I should start HIDING my boobs more?!
• Why did I get these things???
• Did I massage them enough today?  I've been busy, and maybe I'm letting too much scar tissue form while I'm out and about!  I should just stay home for the next few months! :-/
• Did I pull too hard on that giant glass door?  The doctor said not to do that, and now my boob is sore from it!
• Was that a dirty look she just gave me?  Are women everywhere going to hate me even more now that I have boobs to go with my legs, hips and height?  Why can't they just be happy for me?

These are all terribly vein, selfish, immature thoughts, but I would be lying to you if I acted as though they never went through my head.  With that in mind, imagine how hard it is to smile at everyone and have normal conversations all night long.  It's downright draining!  In part, I feel like hanging a big sign around my neck saying, "Caution, crazy woman whose just been through a life altering, life SAVING, process. Please disregard 90% of what flows out of her mouth!" 

Because of the self-conscious, insecure aspect involved in this transformation, I usually wind up completely blurting out that I had a double mastectomy and breast reconstruction to people who barely know me, have just met me, or simply stood too close to me to ESCAPE the story. 

What I've noticed usually happens following my confession is that the innocent bystanders become very uncomfortable, and often seem to feel awkward, not knowing where to go with this new information.  This is often followed by me feeling guilty for putting them in this miserable position!  I usually respond by making some jokes about the new boobs, or SHOWING THEM PICTURES of the new scars!  In my mind, I know both reactions are not the wisest choices, but I'm still adjusting. 

Later in the night, I sat with some wonderful new friends, chatting away about the events of the evening and listening to random, light-hearted stories.  Suddenly, somehow, the conversation turned to breasts, again.  Did I do that?  I tend to, being it's all I think about these days (no, guys, not in THAT way!).  One of my new friends mentioned she recently had her breasts reduced.  She was a triple G prior to the reduction!  As she spoke of the back problems and other reasons she HATED having big breasts, I sat feeling a bit like the Yin and Yang symbols, facing each other - one reduced, and one enhanced.  Then she said something about how she would NEVER get implants - they look so fake!  Close to that confession, almost during it, I blurted out that I had just had my mastectomy and just received the final implants.  

She was mortified, embarrassed, and terribly sorry for saying what she had said, but I couldn't be further from mad or hurt by it.  What she didn't understand is that, to a point, I agree.  Thanks to another friend and his difficulty dealing with all this, I am very aware of how FAKE I am now that I have big fake boobs!  I have been very self-conscious, thinking EVERYONE I encounter just sees the "fake" me and assumes that this is my entire personality, not just my chest status.  Maybe it is?  If it is, it is only temporary, while I figure out how to accept the new me, and move forward with confidence. :-) 

So, as I somewhat anticipated from the beginning, my miraculous metamorphosis is also taking place below the surface and beyond the physical.  I am digging to the core of the REAL me - digging through the gummy bears and fake smiles, the boob jokes, and the "feel these" moments - to the heart and soul of who I REALLY am. 

Maybe it took me becoming FAKE...

to truly become REAL? 

The journey continues!

Stage 2 - So soon! At Last! Really?

Stage 2 - That's what they call the exchange surgery.  I only discovered this recently, and the first question on my mind was, "if there are common names for the stages of reconstruction, how many stages are there?"  My crazy mind started imagining Stage 7, 8, and eventually Stage 15!  I mean who calls them stages if there are only 2? 

Stage 2 is officially known as the operation to remove the tissue expanders and replace them with the "permanent" implants.  My mastectomy was on March 14th, so the original thought was that I would be ready for stage 2 in October/November.  As you know, I've had great success "expanding."  Therefore, in June, Dr. Andochick mentioned scheduling the second stage operation as soon as late August, early September.  I was very excited to hear that I may be "complete" before the new school year. 

On Monday, July 2nd, I went in for what I thought would be my final fill.  I was previously told that I would then have to wait about 4 months to do the exchange surgery.  Monday was full of surprises!  First, the doctor felt the skin and said it was getting thin, and we probably shouldn't do another fill.  I was okay with that, and half expected to be told that.  Then, I brought up that I am leaving for California on July 20th, so we would need to work out exactly when I would get the final implants.  I offered to fly back just for the operation if I wasn't ready to leave Cali. 

As soon as I said that, Dr. Andochick said, "Let's do the surgery before you leave then!"  I was shocked to hear that this was even a possibility.  Why do they make other women wait so long if it's actually possible to do this so soon?!  Nonetheless, he had a last minute opening in his surgical schedule for Thursday, July 5th!  I was so happy to know I would be able to do this before going home to California.  One less thing on my mind while out there enjoying the sunshine. 

So, here I sit in my recliner, once again, with 2 drains, and a very tight, temporarily deformed chest!  The operation went well, and the new softer mounds on my chest are actually even for the first time in my life.  He actually used a LEVEL (see photos) to mark the skin and get them even across my chest.  I thought he was joking when he pulled that out! Ha ha. 

THE DROP!
My new softer boobs are VERY high on my chest.  They are practically on my shoulders. I was told they will drop and look better, but I wasn't told how long that would take.  After doing hours of research, once again, on the web, I have concluded that it will be anywhere from 2 to 6 months before they drop to a "normal" looking position.  That has caused a very small moment of pouting.  I was just getting used to looking "stacked" with the expanders, and although they were uneven and hard as rocks, they looked pretty cool under my clothing. :-)  I can only wait and hope that these implants turn out as nice looking. 

While researching "the drop,"  I also discovered that scar tissue forming around the implants determines a lot!  There are websites which recommend massaging them twice a day to prevent excess scar tissue and keep them soft and "flowing."  These websites suggest starting the massage around one to two weeks after surgery. 

There are at least as many websites which recommend against massaging, because it may prevent them from settling where they are supposed to settle, causing all sorts of problems down the road. 

I've also read about complications with scar tissue interfering with the "drop."  All this information has honestly made me miss my expanders, and wish I could have just kept them, since they looked half decent, and my body accepted them so readily. 

For those of you about to go through all this, I only have 2 drains instead of the 4 I had during Stage 1.  I don't have a morphine pump for the pain, so I definitely feel the pain much more than last time.  Also, last time, I didn't take many muscle relaxers, because I didn't really see a reason for them, but this time, there is a big reason to take them!  I don't want to develop capsular contraction.  That is when the muscles squeeze or attempt to reject the implants.  From what I've seen on the web, this can be very painful and cause many complications, including follow-up operations and severely deformed boobs for life. 

Also, I don't feel quite as weak as I did after the first operation.  I still have trouble with opening bottles, closing car doors, etc., but overall, I can do more than I could after the last operation.  The doctor said not to push or pull anything, and not to lift anything heavier than a phone book.  Honestly, a phone book would hurt right now.  The sutures used to shape the boobs are what hurt when I move too quickly.  Sleeping in the recliner is difficult, so I switch back and forth between the recliner and the bed.  I'm not sleeping well at all yet, so that leaves me exhausted during the day.  I think that I will be sleeping better a lot sooner than the last time. 

Clothing is an issue AGAIN.  Now that my boobs are on my shoulders (okay, not quite), I have no idea what shirts I can where other than regular loose t-shirts.  I am praying they drop soon! 

At least I don't have to worry about pulling a Madonna or Janet Jackson!  There is a definite advantage to no longer having nipples. ;-)

With all that said, I am excited to be so far along in this process.  The next phase would be rebuilding nipples, but that is still debatable as far as I am concerned.  My next blog will be all about my nipple options. 

Monday, July 9th, I go in to have the drains removed, as long as I don't have too much fluid coming out.  My fingers are crossed! :-)

Overall, after the Stage 2 operation, I am feeling better than I did after Stage 1, and my outlook is much more positive, now that MY MIRACULOUS METAMORPHOSIS is almost complete! :-) 

Various TransFORMations Ahead

FORMS, SHAPES, & PLACEMENT While researching this entire process, I decided almost immediately to go with the "gummy bear" implants rather than the saline implants.  This is a very personal choice, due to the possible risks and complications involved.  Saline are clearly safer, but not by much, with the new "gummy bear" technology of the current silicone implants.  The silicone in the modern implants bonds with itself, so that, if I "SPRING A LEAK," the silicone has a very low chance of dispersing and causing health issues.  It's a really fascinating substance - MUCH like the stuff of which gummy bears are made - hence the common nickname.  The advantage of using the gummy bears is the look and feel. 

The saline implants feel, I imagine, much like my current expanders, harder than silicone.  Think about when you last filled a water balloon up to the point of almost bursting.  Have you ever been hit with one that didn't break?  Remember how hard it seemed when it hit and bounced off?  Also, the saline implants tend to "buckle."  Women sometimes can actually see a ridge or wrinkle under the skin where the implant has oddly bunched up.  This sounds like a nightmare to me.  How awkward and freakish that would look?  This whole process already has me feeling like I've been changed into another form of the bionic woman, with mechanical parts planted under my skin and muscle.

Although the silicone implants will clearly look and feel fake as well, I have read that they are at least MORE like the real things.  I don't mind the "perkiness" of the fake boobs.  In fact, it's going to be nice to have some perk in that area at my age and after three kids.  I'd like them to at least SMOOSH with me as I move, and feel more like breasts should - cushiony, comforting, and fun! ;-)

I have read about the implants coming in various SHAPES, SIZES, AND TEXTURES.  Round implants go under the muscle and move with a person more like real breasts.  Tear drop shaped implants can move and get out of place, so there is a texture to them to help them stay where they should be.  My plastic surgeon hasn't mentioned anything about the different shapes available.  I assume either he's waiting until time to do the exchange, or he prefers a certain shape, and that's all he uses.  Either way, this is an important part of the final transformation.


Last Wednesday's appointment has raised more concerns regarding placement of the implants.  For the last 12 weeks, both the doctor and the nurses have mentioned that the tissue expanders tend to sit WIDER on the chest wall.  The way I interpreted their comments along the way was that I shouldn't worry about the fact that my "boobs" are kind of UNDER my armpits, and I have a HUGE valley between the two mountains.  The nurses have assured me that the implants fit differently and will be more "centered," giving me more cleavage and less annoying interference when moving my arms.  You see, I continually rub the sides of the expanders with my upper arm.  Sometimes, the expanders feel as thought they are sitting completely under my armpits, rather than on the front of my chest.  This has contributed to the constant nagging pain and swelling on both sides of my ribcage.  Some days, my ribs feel like someone took a baseball bat to them and beat them - making my ribs so extremely tender, especially in contrast to the numbness of the skin.  


Last Wednesday, the nurse informed me that they may NOT be able to close the g  a  p between my breasts.  She also informed me that I probably cannot go any bigger, due to the skin being stretched as far as it should be at this point.  This appointment really took the wind out of my sails.  I must admit, I sat in my room and cried the rest of the night.  I don't even think I slept more than an hour. 

It wasn't that I needed to go bigger, or even have some amazing, out-of-this-world cleavage.  It was the complete lack of control I felt, once again, over my body and my physical fate.  Once again, the few things I thought I could control, the decisions regarding the cosmetic outcome of my transformation, weren't up to me.  All of my false confidence was torn down in the matter of a couple for sentences from the nurse, then out the door and "see you in two weeks!"  All of it said with that painted on smile, which I assume really is the best way to handle it from the nurse's point of view.  That night, every time I glanced down at my "valley,"  I saw a completely alien looking freak - as though I had some disfiguring birth defect - almost as freakish as the elephant man himself.  I wanted to break all the mirrors in the house, so I wouldn't have to look at that GIANT gap between my breasts.


Of course, my feelings on the matter aren't nearly as extreme today.  I needed to get a grip on reality and look at the bigger picture.  The big picture for me is:

• I am not battling cancer right now!  That battle is over for a while and maybe forever.  I have time to watch my children and grandchildren grow!
  
  
  
  
  Still to come...
  
  
  TO GRAFT OR NOT TO GRAFT  Nipples, Tattoos, or Globes???
• In clothes, at least, I look pretty good.  No one would guess a thing about what happened to me just 12 weeks ago. 
• Also, my boobs DO look pretty big, even on my 6 foot frame!  I think past this size, they might be too hard for anyone to get past, long enough to have a decent conversation and maybe look me in the eye. ;-)